Celebrity Critic Gifts

"Why did we stop having people fade into obscurity?"

How long have you let this unhealthy obsession with family and friends interfere with your celebrity-watching?

"We're not celebrities, and we don't want to get out of here..."

'I preferred her in the margarine commercial.'

'I used to be into celebrity worship until Paris Hilton looked fat and yucky in prison stripes.'

'Well, personally I didn't think the news was any better with Katie Couric.'

"AIDS, poverty, global warming, the deficit...Since the so-called experts have no real answers, we decided to ask Brad and Angelina."

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'This has the makings of their toughest season ever.'

Difference of Opinion

"Bleeeee! It's plastic."

Man: 'How cute. He must like the movement.' Cat: 'There are some challenging themes here but little or no dramatic resonance.'

Kritik's Korner

The americanisation of vulture.

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

Stop! Stop what? Do not change the channel! Sex, death, harrowing footage of the most remarkable story you've ever seen, tattoos, rock-n-roll, action, action, action! It's all coming right up, right after this five second break for station identification. Five seconds ... You're watching Rock Television. And now back to our ... bored. Welcome to ABC. We've got thrills, action, more thrills ... Click. I've got your action right here. We've created a monster. Click click click click click cl-

"The moral of the story, honey, is that being a celebrity does not make you a credible children’s book author."

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Can't Touch This

If humans instead of dinosaurs had lived when the big asteroid hit.

"Amateurs."

'What does it say, Dad?'

Armageddon

Giant Monster in Bath

A cross section of the brain shows what a man thinks about.

"Sir, a bunch of bald-headed, castrated humanoids wearing Nikes just materialised with their luggage back there."

A knight sent to kill a dragon armed with a fly swatter

'Democracy? -- do you REALLY want the bars closed every election day?'

'For the actress who benefitted most by rehab...'

'No. . . I'll never spend £400 on a haircut. . .'

"I mean the Saturday Night Live president, not the lousy one."

"Get off the stage and get a copy of 'Studies of Laughter in Interaction'—I think you'll enjoy it."

"Welcome to Sugar Free Farm! The reality show, where celebs go cold turkey on their sugar addictions for two weeks."

'It's not much of a soap opera with just that Adam guy.'

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."