Celebrity Story Critic Gifts

'I don't like biographies. The hero always dies in the end.'

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'Assuming their porridge was poured at the same time, how could it then be too hot, too cold and just right?'

'This has the makings of their toughest season ever.'

Difference of Opinion

Man: 'How cute. He must like the movement.' Cat: 'There are some challenging themes here but little or no dramatic resonance.'

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Goodnight Moon for the Misbegotten

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

Can't Touch This

"Amateurs."

Meet the author - celebrity autobiographies,

A knight sent to kill a dragon armed with a fly swatter

'Has Oprah ever been married?'

'Democracy? -- do you REALLY want the bars closed every election day?'

"And next up, Fairy Tales: FolkLORE or FolkLIES!"

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

"Get off the stage and get a copy of 'Studies of Laughter in Interaction'—I think you'll enjoy it."

'For the actress who benefitted most by rehab...'

'No. . . I'll never spend £400 on a haircut. . .'

'The good news is your life sentence is about over.'

Non Thought For The Day.

Nick Cave

"Fancy dyeing your hair white so everyone could see it was you who played a shocker!"

Can't Touch This

'Of course, I'm not one of those glamorous paleontologists who are all over TV these days.'

"It's tough to get him moving, but once he's going he never stops."

Christmas TV...

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

'I know I don't look like a matinee idol of yesteryear anymore, but neither do they!'

A skip full of fools.

Snow White and her Seven people.

Hedgehog holding sign saying 'the end is nigh' as man invents the wheel.

'Why is it always about me?'

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'