Celebrity Critiquer Gifts

'If it's upsetting you that much, Tom - turn it off.'

Reese Witherspoon

'Which would be more Zen ? a pizza with nothing, or a pizza with everything?'

'No. . . I'll never spend £400 on a haircut. . .'

Michael Jackson - Mission fulfilled.

'For the actress who benefitted most by rehab...'

'I know I don't look like a matinee idol of yesteryear anymore, but neither do they!'

"It has great depth, realized with such a unique economy of paint application... yet, there remains a curious aura of drivel I can't dismiss."

Nick Cave

"Fancy dyeing your hair white so everyone could see it was you who played a shocker!"

Snow White and her Seven people.

'I preferred her in the margarine commercial.'

"I was at a party with SO many famous people, I was the only one there I'd never heard of..!"

"I wanted to deliver a message of hope and tolerance in a complex global society but I decided to update them on the Kardashians instead."

"First, we tell everybody that you're in rehab. I'll take it from there."

Band Aid-style rock stars wear T-shirts that read : 'Feed my ego'.

Chihuahua's nightmare: 'There's a sneering voice talking to me: 'You'll get stuffed between a blonde celebrity's breasts till you can't breathe anymore!' Then I wake up bathed in sweat...'

"Would you like something by an over promoted high-price athlete or a nobody from Jersey?"

The Pooperrazzi

"Well, now we know what Letterman's doing, what are we doing?"

Dear Sadie, I'm just an aging Baby-Boomer who still believes in America, and sees all the good around me, but I don't understand why we've become so mean. How can I feel good about us again? Signed, Marlemarion. Great question. There's an easy answer as to how you can feel better about the world. Change your name to something normal! I just don't agree with the @#$% premise that we've gotten mean.

'He may be the Messiah, but he's no Springsteen.'

No Talent Agency

W.C. Fields

Fired Big Shots Who's Who.

"A P.R. Intern Named Salome with the Head Shot of John the Client."

'Come in, Jordan - your time is up.'

"For me it's all about the craft of acting."

"Hey, I'm a big fan of your work. I loved you in Godzilla!"

Celebrity Clerk: Schrodinger's Cat.

The Party of Lincoln

How long have you let this unhealthy obsession with family and friends interfere with your celebrity-watching?

'I'm still trying to build up a following here, but I'm huge in Lilliput.'

"Chad is doing product placement on the Simpson trial."

"But is it art?"