Celebrity Critiquer Gifts

'If it's upsetting you that much, Tom - turn it off.'

'Which would be more Zen ? a pizza with nothing, or a pizza with everything?'

'For the actress who benefitted most by rehab...'

"Fancy dyeing your hair white so everyone could see it was you who played a shocker!"

'I know I don't look like a matinee idol of yesteryear anymore, but neither do they!'

"It has great depth, realized with such a unique economy of paint application... yet, there remains a curious aura of drivel I can't dismiss."

Snow White and her Seven people.

'I preferred her in the margarine commercial.'

"I was at a party with SO many famous people, I was the only one there I'd never heard of..!"

"First, we tell everybody that you're in rehab. I'll take it from there."

Band Aid-style rock stars wear T-shirts that read : 'Feed my ego'.

"Well, now we know what Letterman's doing, what are we doing?"

No Talent Agency

"A P.R. Intern Named Salome with the Head Shot of John the Client."

The Pooperrazzi

"Would you like something by an over promoted high-price athlete or a nobody from Jersey?"

Chihuahua's nightmare: 'There's a sneering voice talking to me: 'You'll get stuffed between a blonde celebrity's breasts till you can't breathe anymore!' Then I wake up bathed in sweat...'

Fired Big Shots Who's Who.

'Come in, Jordan - your time is up.'

"But is it art?"

Celebrity Clerk: Schrodinger's Cat.

The Party of Lincoln

'I'm still trying to build up a following here, but I'm huge in Lilliput.'

'I was only famous for 14 and a half minutes.'

"I'm retired actor Daniel Day Lewis. They thought I was I was good. They don't know how good."