Showbiz Critic Gifts

'What kind of agent are you if you can't even get my phone hacked?'

Job Centre - 'I'm afraid the only jobs we have available are as celebrities.'

'Producers don't make money from bad living actors but sometimes we can make money from actors who have tragically died... You know what I mean?'

No Talent Agency

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'This has the makings of their toughest season ever.'

Difference of Opinion

Man: 'How cute. He must like the movement.' Cat: 'There are some challenging themes here but little or no dramatic resonance.'

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

'Bloody streakers - they have a lot to learn.'

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

'What does it say, Dad?'

"Amateurs."

Can't Touch This

A knight sent to kill a dragon armed with a fly swatter

"I like it but does it get only the one channel?"

'For the actress who benefitted most by rehab...'

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

"I mean the Saturday Night Live president, not the lousy one."

'Democracy? -- do you REALLY want the bars closed every election day?'

"Get off the stage and get a copy of 'Studies of Laughter in Interaction'—I think you'll enjoy it."

'It's not much of a soap opera with just that Adam guy.'

'The good news is your life sentence is about over.'

Non Thought For The Day.

'It's not as impressive as it looks. He only watches fishing shows.'

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

'I know I don't look like a matinee idol of yesteryear anymore, but neither do they!'

"Fancy dyeing your hair white so everyone could see it was you who played a shocker!"

"It's tough to get him moving, but once he's going he never stops."

'Now time for a coffee while hubby cleans up the mess.'

'Of course, I'm not one of those glamorous paleontologists who are all over TV these days.'