Showbiz Critic Gifts

'What kind of agent are you if you can't even get my phone hacked?'

Job Centre - 'I'm afraid the only jobs we have available are as celebrities.'

'Producers don't make money from bad living actors but sometimes we can make money from actors who have tragically died... You know what I mean?'

No Talent Agency

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'This has the makings of their toughest season ever.'

Difference of Opinion

American Idle.

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

Man: 'How cute. He must like the movement.' Cat: 'There are some challenging themes here but little or no dramatic resonance.'

Stop! Stop what? Do not change the channel! Sex, death, harrowing footage of the most remarkable story you've ever seen, tattoos, rock-n-roll, action, action, action! It's all coming right up, right after this five second break for station identification. Five seconds ... You're watching Rock Television. And now back to our ... bored. Welcome to ABC. We've got thrills, action, more thrills ... Click. I've got your action right here. We've created a monster. Click click click click click cl-

'Bloody streakers - they have a lot to learn.'

Can't Touch This

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

'What does it say, Dad?'

"Amateurs."

A knight sent to kill a dragon armed with a fly swatter

'For the actress who benefitted most by rehab...'

'Democracy? -- do you REALLY want the bars closed every election day?'

It's not a bad planet -- Their talk shows make it seem a lot worse than it is.

"I like it but does it get only the one channel?"

'It's not much of a soap opera with just that Adam guy.'

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

'No. . . I'll never spend £400 on a haircut. . .'

"Get off the stage and get a copy of 'Studies of Laughter in Interaction'—I think you'll enjoy it."

"I mean the Saturday Night Live president, not the lousy one."

'The good news is your life sentence is about over.'

Non Thought For The Day.

Nick Cave

Christmas TV...

Derren Brown: Pushed to the Edge

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

'I know I don't look like a matinee idol of yesteryear anymore, but neither do they!'

'Of course, I'm not one of those glamorous paleontologists who are all over TV these days.'

Can't Touch This