Talk Show Critic Gifts

It's not a bad planet -- Their talk shows make it seem a lot worse than it is.

'And will you now please welcome Mr Fray, who is going to start a talkshow after-effect support group.'

'This has the makings of their toughest season ever.'

Difference of Opinion

American Idle.

Man: 'How cute. He must like the movement.' Cat: 'There are some challenging themes here but little or no dramatic resonance.'

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

Stop! Stop what? Do not change the channel! Sex, death, harrowing footage of the most remarkable story you've ever seen, tattoos, rock-n-roll, action, action, action! It's all coming right up, right after this five second break for station identification. Five seconds ... You're watching Rock Television. And now back to our ... bored. Welcome to ABC. We've got thrills, action, more thrills ... Click. I've got your action right here. We've created a monster. Click click click click click cl-

Can't Touch This

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

'What does it say, Dad?'

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

'It's not much of a soap opera with just that Adam guy.'

"I like it but does it get only the one channel?"

"I mean the Saturday Night Live president, not the lousy one."

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The David Letterman Show Goes to the Dogs, Cats, Birds, Guinea Pigs...

Christmas TV...

'It's not as impressive as it looks. He only watches fishing shows.'

'Now time for a coffee while hubby cleans up the mess.'

'Not only will you know everything but I'll see that you get your own talk show.'

"Welcome back to the We Were Bored and Had Nothing Else To Do podcast."

Can't Touch This

'Of course, I'm not one of those glamorous paleontologists who are all over TV these days.'

A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel

'Every TV show seems to have a lucrative phone-in competition these days.'

'I thought this was a documentary about animal cruelty.'

'What a strange episode -- they just voted Ricardo Montalban off the island!'

'Do you want to watch the weather/natural disaster channel, the nuclear proliferation channel, or the gun violence/Kennedy assassination channel?'

"The keep saying unrestored and what a nice PATINA, Ted. A better-sounding word for old tarnished stuff would be SCRINCH or SKRITCH, don't you think, eh, Ted?"

"When did you first notice you were larger than life?"

"Did you hear Sadie's show today?"

Dr. Kapuchnik, I notice that you've been quoting Dr. Phil a lot lately. That's because I'm hoping that if he sees me sucking up to him in the comics, he'll bankroll the TV-show proposal I sent to his production company, Gasbag Enterprises.

You're on, caller. What's your problem?! The Oscars were so very, very boring. You decided to sit in front of your tv for four hours watching rich people give themselves awards. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE ENTERTAINED, LOSER! They're coming out with a new show called "Watching Celebrities Cash Their Checks." You'd probably enjoy that. Get professionally berated at asksadie@rudypark.com.

Meet John Henderson. - The only journalist NOT to have interviewed serial killers in prison...