Tv Reality Show Critic Gifts

You're on, caller. What's your problem?! The Oscars were so very, very boring. You decided to sit in front of your tv for four hours watching rich people give themselves awards. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE ENTERTAINED, LOSER! They're coming out with a new show called "Watching Celebrities Cash Their Checks." You'd probably enjoy that. Get professionally berated at asksadie@rudypark.com.

'This has the makings of their toughest season ever.'

Difference of Opinion

American Idle.

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

Stop! Stop what? Do not change the channel! Sex, death, harrowing footage of the most remarkable story you've ever seen, tattoos, rock-n-roll, action, action, action! It's all coming right up, right after this five second break for station identification. Five seconds ... You're watching Rock Television. And now back to our ... bored. Welcome to ABC. We've got thrills, action, more thrills ... Click. I've got your action right here. We've created a monster. Click click click click click cl-

Man: 'How cute. He must like the movement.' Cat: 'There are some challenging themes here but little or no dramatic resonance.'

Can't Touch This

'Bloody streakers - they have a lot to learn.'

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

It's not a bad planet -- Their talk shows make it seem a lot worse than it is.

"I like it but does it get only the one channel?"

'Of course, I'm not one of those glamorous paleontologists who are all over TV these days.'

Christmas TV...

Can't Touch This

'Now time for a coffee while hubby cleans up the mess.'

Derren Brown: Pushed to the Edge

"Last week on 'Top Surgeon' Erica won immunity, while Carl was sent home for killing his patient during routine gallbladder surgery."

A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel

Sorry, I thought you said you wanted to see 'Parrot Normal Activity'

'Every TV show seems to have a lucrative phone-in competition these days.'

'What a strange episode -- they just voted Ricardo Montalban off the island!'

'No, I've never been in a TV reality show. My reality is pretty well scripted by my wife, kids and boss.'

'Do you want to watch the weather/natural disaster channel, the nuclear proliferation channel, or the gun violence/Kennedy assassination channel?'

"The keep saying unrestored and what a nice PATINA, Ted. A better-sounding word for old tarnished stuff would be SCRINCH or SKRITCH, don't you think, eh, Ted?"

'I thought this was a documentary about animal cruelty.'

Meet John Henderson. - The only journalist NOT to have interviewed serial killers in prison...

"I suppose we have Judge Judy to thank for all this."

Diana Inquest - 'It's time to move on, and start making a TV mini-series of her life.'

'I'm a has-been celebrity - get me in there!'

Sherlock Holmes' tax return

A TV tank

'In an unexpected development, an illegal alien won 'American Idol.''

Tonight, on the microwave channel... chicken pot pie!

Silly News.