Reality Show Critic Gifts

"What I don't understand is why people waste their time writing when they might not get published,."

'No, I've never been in a TV reality show. My reality is pretty well scripted by my wife, kids and boss.'

'Congratulations on reaching the grand final, how does it feel to be the biggest loser of all time?'

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

"There are just so many 'reality' shows on TV, that they don't seem real anymore."

'This has the makings of their toughest season ever.'

Difference of Opinion

Man: 'How cute. He must like the movement.' Cat: 'There are some challenging themes here but little or no dramatic resonance.'

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

Adam and Eve on a Talk Show

'Bloody streakers - they have a lot to learn.'

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

"Britain's Got Talent is now in its tenth astonishingly brilliant year!"

Can't Touch This

School Career Choices: Celebrity chef, celebrity gardener,celebrity plumber, celebrity vet, celebrity painter & decorator. . .

'It's a program on paranoia. Every time I leave the room, they stop and wait for me to come back.'

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

"I like it but does it get only the one channel?"

"Not tonight. Margie wants to watch some guy deep fry a duck on cable."

'Now time for a coffee while hubby cleans up the mess.'

"Am I through to the next round?"

America's funniest election gaffes

'Of course, I'm not one of those glamorous paleontologists who are all over TV these days.'

"Last week on 'Top Surgeon' Erica won immunity, while Carl was sent home for killing his patient during routine gallbladder surgery."

'Every TV show seems to have a lucrative phone-in competition these days.'

'You're not being fired Jenkins. It's just that all our colleagues have booted you out of the company.'

Meet John Henderson. - The only journalist NOT to have interviewed serial killers in prison...

'I thought this was a documentary about animal cruelty.'

"The keep saying unrestored and what a nice PATINA, Ted. A better-sounding word for old tarnished stuff would be SCRINCH or SKRITCH, don't you think, eh, Ted?"

'What a strange episode -- they just voted Ricardo Montalban off the island!'

'Do you want to watch the weather/natural disaster channel, the nuclear proliferation channel, or the gun violence/Kennedy assassination channel?'

A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel