Storytelling Critic Gifts

"Did you research and verify before posting this?"

"I didn't think much of the plot, but I like the product placement."

"Sure, it's a little formulaic but I love it"

"Are you sure that's not a typo? -- Maybe the cow jumped over the moor."

'It's a load of something, alright.'

BIBLE STORIES, 'This is full of battle and other BOY stuff - not a single romantic comedy!'

Mitt Romney's family tales.

"Bond James, Bond."

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Benedict Cumberbatch

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

Herman Mankiewicz

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

"I've seem an awful lot of movies ever since they cut them all down to two minutes."

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

"Well, what did you expect? They were both missing vital organs."

'Assuming their porridge was poured at the same time, how could it then be too hot, too cold and just right?'

"Now Playing: One of those Jane Austen movies."

"Let's talk film or let's not talk film - I'm easy."

'This should be perfect. The main characters fall in love during a series of explosions.'

"I remember when the death of the hero meant the end of the sequels. Now it marks the beginning of the prequels."

"It turns out that if you give a hundred monkeys a hundred typewriters, eventually they'll turn out the work of Tarantino."

"Boy, this blooper reel from 'Manchester by the Sea' is a crack-up."

Film Festival. Events. Screenings. Ernie attends these festivals in costume. He's gone over to the dork side!

"How was I supposed to know that the apple was a controlled substance?"

Censors 'no' a good thing when they see it.

Men: Hating chick flicks since 1623.

Grimm's Reality Tales.

'This is the worst film noir I've ever seen.'

'It was great. I hated it.'

No, this is the red lagoon, the black one is down the road a bit.

"You had the power to leave all along - just click your heels three times, grab your coat, and sneak out without saying goodbye."

The Da Vinci Cod

"Spoiler alert! I'm about to tell you the part that really bugged me about 'Wolverine.'" "You don't have to say 'spoiler alert,' minion. It's been a month." "Anyone who hasn't seen it yet has not fulfilled their role as a dutiful consumer, and deserves whatever spoilage they will receive." "In fact, let me know who they are and I'll enter them into my database. When the corporatist revolution comes, there will be consequences." "Um... never mind."