Screen Critic Gifts

'You really need to think about getting glasses.'

"We interrupt this rubbish to give you another chance to switch off."

"We must do better at protecting this endangered species."

"Ahhh, look at all the lonely people."

"Well, it was nice to see all of you."

"Bond James, Bond."

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Benedict Cumberbatch

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

Herman Mankiewicz

"Well, what did you expect? They were both missing vital organs."

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

"I've seem an awful lot of movies ever since they cut them all down to two minutes."

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

"Now Playing: One of those Jane Austen movies."

'This should be perfect. The main characters fall in love during a series of explosions.'

"Let's talk film or let's not talk film - I'm easy."

"I remember when the death of the hero meant the end of the sequels. Now it marks the beginning of the prequels."

'This has the makings of their toughest season ever.'

Difference of Opinion

"It turns out that if you give a hundred monkeys a hundred typewriters, eventually they'll turn out the work of Tarantino."

"Bloody hell!"

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? A scene from an Esther Williams movie.

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

Man: 'How cute. He must like the movement.' Cat: 'There are some challenging themes here but little or no dramatic resonance.'

Stop! Stop what? Do not change the channel! Sex, death, harrowing footage of the most remarkable story you've ever seen, tattoos, rock-n-roll, action, action, action! It's all coming right up, right after this five second break for station identification. Five seconds ... You're watching Rock Television. And now back to our ... bored. Welcome to ABC. We've got thrills, action, more thrills ... Click. I've got your action right here. We've created a monster. Click click click click click cl-

Censors 'no' a good thing when they see it.

Sign in book shop window: 'Critics agree the book is much better than the movie.'

Men: Hating chick flicks since 1623.

Film Festival. Events. Screenings. Ernie attends these festivals in costume. He's gone over to the dork side!

"Boy, this blooper reel from 'Manchester by the Sea' is a crack-up."

"Why didn't you simply open the window?"

Standard endings for sci-fi movies...

No, this is the red lagoon, the black one is down the road a bit.