Cinema Critic Gifts

Standard endings for sci-fi movies...

"Haven't we already seen all these on Netflix?"

'Quiet with your crisps. I can't hear the film.'

'No animals were harmed in the filming of this movie . . . except, of course, the ones we ate.'

'Don't give me a seat next to any pesky kids!'

'Mmm! Could I get some fake butter on that?'

Senior Citizen Matinees. . .

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

Warning: This motion picture stinks. View in a well ventilated area.

"First they made movies that were silent. Then they made movies that talked. Now they make movies that stink."

"If you ask me, movies today have no plot."

"This can't be a movie poster...there's no aliens on it."

Harvey Weinstein Scandal,

"But only during rehearsal."

Hollywood Casting Couch

"You don't have to tell me about the sacrifices a girl makes to get into show biz."

"If we put barcodes on the actresses it's easier to keep to their sell by dates!"

"Oh, it's just a corny old bee movie."

"The script is flimsy, the action scenes implausible and the plot would insult the intelligence of a three year old."

"We should've never bought the popcorn and drink. I'll be working overtime all next week to pay for it."

"He thinks that if they really want to smash the stereotype then he should be a shoe-in for the next Bond."

Quentin Tarantino

'So you bought the book and we saw the movie. That's $35.95 down the drain.'

"I forget-did we decide to see something life-affirming or something mind-numbing?"

"Haven't you noticed, Ned, how everyone's films are getting shallower except mine."

"That was a feel-good movie. How come I don't feel so good?"

Never Worked in This Town Again

"Is there no escape from escapism?"

NATO Theater: Now showing Ukraine, a snuff film, directed by Vlad Putin.

I've decided to change the way I Twitter-slam "Star Wars: The Force Awakens." Pointing out plot holes that aren't really plot holes is the latest trend online. I've been tweeting "It's the same story as the original" even though it's not. That was fun. But that critique is so last month. I still don't think "If Rey's the protagonist, why did Monopoly leave her out of the board game" is a "plot hole." And since when has Luke been old?

It's this summer's biggest hit. What is? You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll feel like a kid again. I will? It explodes off of the screen. The effects are dazzling! But it steals $10, two hours and leaves you empty. Summer movies never live up to the reviews.

"A superhero that doesn't wear his underpants on the outside is no superhero at all!"

"Damn it, Eddie, you told me this script was stupid."

Iran jails filmmaker Jafar Panahi.

"Every good scene in that move was in the coming attractions...why did we even bother to come watch it?"