Comedy Critic Gifts

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

A skip full of fools.

'Due to cutbacks we've had to accept a sponsor for your stitches.'

"I've been having hallucinations again, Doctor."

Hedgehog holding sign saying 'the end is nigh' as man invents the wheel.

"I guess it's an OK job. Minimum wage plus all you can eat. I tried to quit once but couldn't get out the door."

"I thought we agreed you were going to cry on the inside."

'...and how did the acupuncturing go?'

'I know it's my third doughnut, but it's okay. I'm using the Pilates method of dunking.'

'Waiter, there's no fly in my soup.'

Amnesia Clinic

Audience thinking 'What a tosser!'

"No, no, I said Bathsheba!"

"Hello, I'm doing a survey on personal privacy."

Take Care Describing Yourself U.S.P.

'I forgot what I was going to complain about.'

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

Non Thought For The Day.

'Oh, stop! That's what it's called, for crying out loud!'

'The good news is your life sentence is about over.'

'Your lab tests are back. Your cholesterol weight, and self importance are all too high.'

'You'd better put yours on, too -- The MacBeths are coming for dinner.'

Theatrical agent, "Quite honestly Frank I think you've turned into a poor caricature of yourself"

'I know you're on drugs boy. You've been seen with the supply teacher.'

'I know I've met Mr. Right this time - we both hate Jim Carrey!'

"Our interview with the author of the best-selling book, 'how I never paid taxes', has been postponed 5 to 10 years."

'Early Mafia Lessons.'

'Don't tell me YOUR troubles!'

'Cohiba is written on here with a Sharpie.'

Crime means you have to take the money and run. In politics you run, then take the money...!

Man with a lizard brain.

'I'm sorry but the vote was for impeachment.'

'Yes, I know we're hyenas - but sometimes I just don't feel like laughing, Kate.'

Evaluating the humorousness of cartoons.

"How dare he try to snog me? HE'S BALD!"