Celebrity Columnist Prints

Kim and Kanye seem happy. No Kardashians. I just hate ruling anything out.

Squeezing the Free Press.

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

The writer: something who devotes a lifetime of solitude to the same of communication.

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"Spoiler alert! I'm about to tell you the part that really bugged me about 'Wolverine.'" "You don't have to say 'spoiler alert,' minion. It's been a month." "Anyone who hasn't seen it yet has not fulfilled their role as a dutiful consumer, and deserves whatever spoilage they will receive." "In fact, let me know who they are and I'll enter them into my database. When the corporatist revolution comes, there will be consequences." "Um... never mind."

'Maybe fruit flies don't have souls.'

'Has Oprah ever been married?'

Marilyn's Rushmore

Michael Jackson - Mission fulfilled.

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

'No. . . I'll never spend £400 on a haircut. . .'

'For the actress who benefitted most by rehab...'

"Look out, Luke Grasswalker! Irascibility leads to the dark side of the force. . . right into a hamburger bun."

'I know I don't look like a matinee idol of yesteryear anymore, but neither do they!'

Nick Cave

"Maps to stars' rehab centers."

'I suppose that's where things get ironed out.'

'You've been killing files again.'

Snow White and her Seven people.

'I preferred her in the margarine commercial.'

"I wanted to deliver a message of hope and tolerance in a complex global society but I decided to update them on the Kardashians instead."

Quadruple dark hot chocolate. Whoa, everything all right? Sure, yeah, great. I'm a journalist and writer in an era in which the printed word has been totally devalued by free distribution of information on the internet. Can I pay in prose? Point taken.

"An overload -- even this is beginning to look like Kitsch."

The Adventures of Tom Friedman, Boy Reporter

Hoodies anticipate bride's choice of wedding dress.

"I was at a party with SO many famous people, I was the only one there I'd never heard of..!"

Bernard Levin

The Original Gossip Columns

Band Aid-style rock stars wear T-shirts that read : 'Feed my ego'.

"For the hundredth time—I have no idea how to make crystal meth."

Cops' Right to Beat You in Private Shall Not Be Infringed

Will Self deprecation

"Would you like something by an over promoted high-price athlete or a nobody from Jersey?"