Celebrity Commentator Gifts

'An important update..'

"David Bowie, dead. Keith Richards, alive. Makes no sense."

To Get Pardoned by Trump, Become a Celeb

'...And now it's time for today's celebrity hissy-fit....'

'I'm ignorant? You mean...Forrest Gump ignorant or media coverage of Anna Nicole Smith's death ignorant?!'

'Ohmigod, what big ears she has! Ohmigod, what a big nose she has!...'

Celebrity 10 o'clock news...

Rooney V. Vardy (As if anyone really cares...)

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

'Frankly, I think watching paint dry has been given a bad press.'

"Whoever made Keir Starmer did a sound professional job."

"And the winner is… Dan the Man by a nose!"

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

"‘Click’, you have reached the White House, press 1 for shameless groveling, 2 for presidential pardons, and please have your credit card details ready..."

"Spoiler alert! I'm about to tell you the part that really bugged me about 'Wolverine.'" "You don't have to say 'spoiler alert,' minion. It's been a month." "Anyone who hasn't seen it yet has not fulfilled their role as a dutiful consumer, and deserves whatever spoilage they will receive." "In fact, let me know who they are and I'll enter them into my database. When the corporatist revolution comes, there will be consequences." "Um... never mind."

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"Still, he might be remembered as the 'no cloning' President."

'Has Oprah ever been married?'

'Cartoonist thinking'

"Look out, Luke Grasswalker! Irascibility leads to the dark side of the force. . . right into a hamburger bun."

"But the good news is Trump has broken off diplomatic relations with them only on Twitter..."

'He hasn't played a game yet, but there are people who have started whinging about him already.'

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

Sports Radio in Crisis

"Lord, save my ass from this Russia debacle, please!"

Tree of Public Opinion.

Carl Shurz's attacks on President Grant are 'Played Out'

Sir Patrick Moore.

"We've stared at the election map for so long it's become a Magic Eye poster."

The National Institute for Advanced Talk-Show Punditry.

"Good evening. In today's top story, my book has jumped to Number Three on the best-seller list."

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

"An overload -- even this is beginning to look like Kitsch."

Hoodies anticipate bride's choice of wedding dress.

'I preferred her in the margarine commercial.'