Celebrity Commentator Gifts

"David Bowie, dead. Keith Richards, alive. Makes no sense."

'...And now it's time for today's celebrity hissy-fit....'

'I'm ignorant? You mean...Forrest Gump ignorant or media coverage of Anna Nicole Smith's death ignorant?!'

'Ohmigod, what big ears she has! Ohmigod, what a big nose she has!...'

Celebrity 10 o'clock news...

Rooney V. Vardy (As if anyone really cares...)

'Frankly, I think watching paint dry has been given a bad press.'

"Whoever made Keir Starmer did a sound professional job."

"And the winner is… Dan the Man by a nose!"

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

"Spoiler alert! I'm about to tell you the part that really bugged me about 'Wolverine.'" "You don't have to say 'spoiler alert,' minion. It's been a month." "Anyone who hasn't seen it yet has not fulfilled their role as a dutiful consumer, and deserves whatever spoilage they will receive." "In fact, let me know who they are and I'll enter them into my database. When the corporatist revolution comes, there will be consequences." "Um... never mind."

"‘Click’, you have reached the White House, press 1 for shameless groveling, 2 for presidential pardons, and please have your credit card details ready..."

'Cartoonist thinking'

"Still, he might be remembered as the 'no cloning' President."

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

"Look out, Luke Grasswalker! Irascibility leads to the dark side of the force. . . right into a hamburger bun."

'He hasn't played a game yet, but there are people who have started whinging about him already.'

Sports Radio in Crisis

"We've stared at the election map for so long it's become a Magic Eye poster."

"Good evening. In today's top story, my book has jumped to Number Three on the best-seller list."

"Lord, save my ass from this Russia debacle, please!"

Tree of Public Opinion.

Hoodies anticipate bride's choice of wedding dress.

Carl Shurz's attacks on President Grant are 'Played Out'

'I preferred her in the margarine commercial.'

"An overload -- even this is beginning to look like Kitsch."

Dispute between Pelosi and Trump

The National Institute for Advanced Talk-Show Punditry.

Pundits

And now, for a rebuttal.

'The following program contains scenes that may not be appropriate for Neoconservatives.'

'Oh man, he just nailed that triple entendre... that all but guarantees him a medal.'

The United States of Amazement

Surgery is to be encouraged to set up food banks