Entertainment Commentator Gifts

Some people who watch reality shows take notes.

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

'Frankly, I think watching paint dry has been given a bad press.'

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

"And the winner is… Dan the Man by a nose!"

Toy Shops and Educated Children

"‘Click’, you have reached the White House, press 1 for shameless groveling, 2 for presidential pardons, and please have your credit card details ready..."

"Spoiler alert! I'm about to tell you the part that really bugged me about 'Wolverine.'" "You don't have to say 'spoiler alert,' minion. It's been a month." "Anyone who hasn't seen it yet has not fulfilled their role as a dutiful consumer, and deserves whatever spoilage they will receive." "In fact, let me know who they are and I'll enter them into my database. When the corporatist revolution comes, there will be consequences." "Um... never mind."

"Still, he might be remembered as the 'no cloning' President."

'Cartoonist thinking'

'Has Oprah ever been married?'

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"What's an imagination? It was something kids used to enjoy before they invented video games."

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

"But the good news is Trump has broken off diplomatic relations with them only on Twitter..."

"Ever notice how grateful people are when you present them with facts contrary to their beliefs?"

"Look out, Luke Grasswalker! Irascibility leads to the dark side of the force. . . right into a hamburger bun."

'He hasn't played a game yet, but there are people who have started whinging about him already.'

Sports Radio in Crisis

Don't touch that dial! — We're experts, and we know what you should be watching!

Carl Shurz's attacks on President Grant are 'Played Out'

"Lord, save my ass from this Russia debacle, please!"

"An overload -- even this is beginning to look like Kitsch."

Hoodies anticipate bride's choice of wedding dress.

Sir Patrick Moore.

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

The National Institute for Advanced Talk-Show Punditry.

Tree of Public Opinion.

Pundits

And now, for a rebuttal.

'Oh man, he just nailed that triple entendre... that all but guarantees him a medal.'

"If PBS announcers did football games." "Let's listen carefully to the quarterback as he scans his options. It appears that the defense seems to want to deter his team from moving the ball forward..." "The fans are making so much noise. I wonder if they know how hard that makes it for the players to concentrate?"

"For the hundredth time—I have no idea how to make crystal meth."

Red State Football

The United States of Amazement