Advice Column Aficionado Gifts

"This advice column is the worst trash I've ever read! And I should know! I've been reading it every day for the past 20 years!"

"For heaven's sake, Ogden, it's vacation time! Must you make your little lists even on vacation time?"

'In general, do the right thing.'

"No, I want to know the meaning of never calling your mother."

"We do not usually acknowledge unsolicited manuscripts, but we want you to know that we tore yours into tiny pieces. Yours sincerely, The Op-Ed Page."

"If you see this as motherly advice, we have a whole new subject to explore."

'Have you considered getting a life-coach?'

'If you can tell the difference between good advice and bad advice, you don't need advice.'

"Only time can heal a broken heart, Brenda, and fortunately I have the time, every Thursday at three o'clock."

"On my taxes, I claimed my inner child as a dependent."

'The secret to staying in business, Wilson, is making something that's needed. Profit!'

Adult Book Store. Leaving home. Finding a Job. Getting Married. Buying a House. Raising Kids. Living with Stress.

"There's someone here who says she has a word to the wise. Do we have anyone like that?"

'They've been like this ever since Mary presented her report. It's the worst case of paralysis by analysis I've ever seen!'

'I think I've spotted our problem.' (too many consultants)

How to injury yourself as an adult

'How do you think I ended up alone on the top of a mountain?'

"Do not bury yourself alive if allergic to burying yourself alive."

Avoid boys who spend more on hair products than you do!

'My astrologer says one thing, my guru says another, my psychiatrist says something else - I don't know who to turn to anymore.'

'I asked you for one good reason why I should follow your advice, not six.'

Miss Lonelyhearts Advice to the Lovelorn

"I'll give you some advice. When you're up to your nose, keep your mouth shut."

'Or we can go with trial-and-error.'

"I know absolutely nothing about that subject, but I will give you my opinion."

"You know, after all these years of giving you advice on all. Things personal and professional, it occurred to me that you've never actually asked for my opinion."

'Oh yeah! My self help group knows a lot more than your psychiatrist. First of all, there's a lot more of them.'

'This box usually yields one or two sensible suggestions,four or five stupid ideas,ten to twenty immoral suggestions and several hundred candy wrappers.'

Joe's: 'Opinions on anything & everything!'

'I fired my motivational trainer and started listening to my mother.'

"It's the Ask Sadie advice hour. 'Shmernie' in Vermont, you're on. What's your problem?" "How do I know when it's time to give up? I've tried so hard to warn people about how they're getting screwed over, but they keep vot-- I mean, hanging out with the screwer-overers." "Give it up, 'Shmernie!' It's over!" "This reminds me of the time great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother Cohen's advice show answered a parchment from 'S