Admissions Officers Gifts

"I'm afraid you could do better work in order to get your daughter into this school."

Schengen

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

UK border controls relaxed.

A very young man being hired as a groom.

"You're kidding! You count S.A.T.s?"

'Your pediatrician? No. . . I'm your baby's college admissions representatives.'

Europe and immigration.

Vaccination Passport

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

In addition to brilliant grades and perfect SATs � Parents' night. College admissions. Your child should excel at 3 sports and lead a school extra-curricular like the newspaper. Don't the arts count? Sure! If your child sings, for example � A part on 'Glee' or in the Metropolitan Opera would certainly help. Our kids are doomed.

"Let me put it this way: I'm hitting 'Unlike' and 'Unhire.'"

'If we hadn't outsourced the staff, we could've eaten them.'

'I have serious doubts about the efficiency of that new 'apples and bucket' hiring test.'

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

'It's my application to Harvard...'

"You'll never make it as a doctor with handwriting like this. I understood every word."

"We had to lay off most of the staff to pay for the recruitment and training of new staff to replace the staff we laid off."

'Remember that promotion you were asking for last month, , ,Well, something just opened up,'

"Where am I going to college? I thought this was college."

"Did I say 'corner office'? I meant 'corner of my office'."

End of Affirmative Action

You got into the college of my choice, and I got into the college of your choice. Now if we could just work something out...

'Due to budget cuts we are having to take on more temporary staff.'

"Our focus here is on the arts. Is he pottery trained?"

'Anything to declare?'

Southwick College: Basically, for the most part, usually - a meritocracy.

"Can we see some ID please?" "We're indigenous Americans... What tribe are you guys from?"

'The really scary part is that he is the new head of human resources.'

"So are you an EU national, economic migrant or asylum seeker?"

Private School Interview - 'How much do your parents weigh?'

Man guarding a written border.

Hi, I work at the admissions office of the local university. If you could change the world in three days, what would you do?

"We only hire temps, and you have a look of permanence about you."

'Illegal immigrants, if you ask me.'