Admissions Officer Gifts

'I'm sorry but we don't have athletic scholarships for video games.'

'Actually this is a very experimental college. We have no curriculum and no classes. How it works, essentially, is if you want to learn something, you go someplace and you learn it.'

'I read your college application essay. First of all, the word 'college' has to 'L's'.'

"You're kidding! You count S.A.T.s?"

Psychometric tests would weed out 25% of all applicants (medical schools).

College admissions office: 'We give preference to 'minorities' whose parents donated to our alumni fund.'

'They're praying the school doesn't find out that they've been pretending to be religious.'

'I'll make a good lawyer. I know how to go for the jugular.'

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

'I'm afraid you could do better work in order to get your daughter into this school.'

'Do you offer a degree in punditry?'

'You'd like an admission? Well it's a lousy school and been in special measures for years. . .'

Southwick College: Basically, for the most part, usually - a meritocracy.

"You'll never make it as a doctor with handwriting like this. I understood every word."

Schengen

UK border controls relaxed.

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

A very young man being hired as a groom.

'Your pediatrician? No. . . I'm your baby's college admissions representatives.'

Europe and immigration.

Vaccination Passport

'If we hadn't outsourced the staff, we could've eaten them.'

In addition to brilliant grades and perfect SATs � Parents' night. College admissions. Your child should excel at 3 sports and lead a school extra-curricular like the newspaper. Don't the arts count? Sure! If your child sings, for example � A part on 'Glee' or in the Metropolitan Opera would certainly help. Our kids are doomed.

"Let me put it this way: I'm hitting 'Unlike' and 'Unhire.'"

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

'I have serious doubts about the efficiency of that new 'apples and bucket' hiring test.'

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

'It's my application to Harvard...'

"We had to lay off most of the staff to pay for the recruitment and training of new staff to replace the staff we laid off."

'Remember that promotion you were asking for last month, , ,Well, something just opened up,'

"Where am I going to college? I thought this was college."

"Did I say 'corner office'? I meant 'corner of my office'."

End of Affirmative Action

'Due to budget cuts we are having to take on more temporary staff.'

"Our focus here is on the arts. Is he pottery trained?"