Admissions Counselor Gifts

'Perhaps our entrant's exam is too tough.'

'It's refreshing that you performed community service for some reason other than to get into a good college.'

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"Yes Dad, I passed math and now I'm passing chemistry and physics."

Bribes for Jabs

I'm getting ready to apply for college. Do you have a list of party schools?

"You're kidding! You count S.A.T.s?"

'Your pediatrician? No. . . I'm your baby's college admissions representatives.'

'He's got classic form, but if he doesn't improve his grades he won't get into college. He doesn't think.'

Saving for College.

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

In addition to brilliant grades and perfect SATs � Parents' night. College admissions. Your child should excel at 3 sports and lead a school extra-curricular like the newspaper. Don't the arts count? Sure! If your child sings, for example � A part on 'Glee' or in the Metropolitan Opera would certainly help. Our kids are doomed.

Big Rock University. Guidance Counselor. I'd like to switch my major from hunting to gathering!

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

"You'll never make it as a doctor with handwriting like this. I understood every word."

"You're adopted."

It's a letter from Tim. He claims his grades are improving and he might even make the DEEN's list.

'It's my application to Harvard...'

'OK Mr and Mrs Johnson let's spin the wheel and find you a child!'

'I wanted to ask you about life-experience credit.'

End of Affirmative Action

The 5 paragraph essay is sooo stupid. Why do we have to learn it? So you can get good SAT scores. That will get you into a good college, and then a good job. So you never have to write another 5-paragraph essay again.

"Well, my IQ is 180--and that's in Centigrade, not Fahrenheit."

'I'm partially passing my Meteorology course.'

You got into the college of my choice, and I got into the college of your choice. Now if we could just work something out...

"This grade doesn't fit into my five-year plan!"

Southwick College: Basically, for the most part, usually - a meritocracy.

"Aren't you young to be worrying about college?"

Hi, I work at the admissions office of the local university. If you could change the world in three days, what would you do?

"If you have to ask, you can't afford it."

'I want to go out of town so that I can become a fully independent person, but near enough so that I can bring my laundry home.'

'This isn't a good time. I'm in trouble with the Dean for using my cell phone in class. I'll call you back.'

'With your liberal arts background, you should be able to walk into any employer's office and say with the utmost confidence, 'Wherefore art thou, Romeo?''

Gracie goes over to the college recruitment tent at a carnival.