College Advisor Gifts

"I read your college application essay. First of all, the word college has two l's."

"My first choice college should have lots of closet space."

'Students who major in these subjects have a 7% less chance of moving back in with their parents after graduation.'

I'm getting ready to apply for college. Do you have a list of party schools?

'I'm getting ready to apply to colleges. Do you have a list of party schools?'

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

'Even polymaths, Rodney, have to choose a major.'

Saving for College.

Ethics exam cheater.

'As a beginning teacher, you know you come here prepared to teach and become a good teacher. As you gain experience, you will learn that you also come here to care and become a great teacher.'

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"Oh, stop it. You are not at all obtuse." Complimentary angles make the other angles feel good about themselves.

"Fill out an application? Can't I just text it?"

Continuing education.

U of Debt

Procrastinator Foumdation: 'We're putting off the decision to fund you for at least another month...'

"Work hard, make the sacrifices and in 25 years you could be just like me!"

All Hail the Matriarchy

"This your resumé?" "Yes, it's a list of things I hope you never ask me to do."

'You lack the expertise we're looking for, Mr Wheaton - but darn it, I like your attitude.'

I'm over-educated and under-employed. That's why there's no MIDDLE class anymore.

'Your pediatrician? No. . . I'm your baby's college admissions representatives.'

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

"Typical company, I'm the only woman!!"

In addition to brilliant grades and perfect SATs � Parents' night. College admissions. Your child should excel at 3 sports and lead a school extra-curricular like the newspaper. Don't the arts count? Sure! If your child sings, for example � A part on 'Glee' or in the Metropolitan Opera would certainly help. Our kids are doomed.

'You say you're willing to start at the bottom...'

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

"I'd like to change my major from dental to mental."

'Hunting and gathering doesn't sound very interesting, so I have decided to become a consultant.'

'The school computers are six months old. How can I be expected to be competitive in the job market if I'm trained on obsolete equipment?'

Bubble; 'This castle manager job better be for real.'

'You will now be presented with your degrees. That is, of course, after you jump through another one of our little hoops.'

'I think and work spectacularly well either inside or outside the box.'

Sid Sinatra.

"The boss told me I have to start at the bottom."