University Advisor Gifts

"At this school we stress critical thinking. And right now I'm very critical of your thinking."

Ethics exam cheater.

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

'As a beginning teacher, you know you come here prepared to teach and become a good teacher. As you gain experience, you will learn that you also come here to care and become a great teacher.'

"Oh, stop it. You are not at all obtuse." Complimentary angles make the other angles feel good about themselves.

Molecular Biology and Cosmology buildings

"Then we have an unspoken agreement?"

He may have a PH.D in elementary particle physics, but he's having an awful lot of trouble with the application form.

Continuing education.

U of Debt

'How many times have I told to seize the day before it seizes you?'

'Negotiations have reached an impasse, legal recommends we resort to violence.'

Procrastinator Foumdation: 'We're putting off the decision to fund you for at least another month...'

"I want a top education, but don't milk me dry with school fees."

"Give a man a fish and you feed him for the day. Teach a man to fish and you can charge a consulting fee."

I'm getting ready to apply for college. Do you have a list of party schools?

'Answer these constituents letters. Tell them to go to hell in a nice way.'

All Hail the Matriarchy

'Our goal is to stress di-versity while remaining a uni-versity.'

"Professor, we need you to stop. The Student Union has decided that the earth is flat."

"Just go with the workflow."

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

Our college is tuned to the students' every need! Campus Visits. We have body image awareness week. Safe sex awareness week. Bullying, drug use and tolerance awareness weeks. What did I miss? Welcome. History, math or English awareness week? Great idea. I'll suggest that.

"I'd like to change my major from dental to mental."

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

Saving for College.

'You will now be presented with your degrees. That is, of course, after you jump through another one of our little hoops.'

"Remember, Man of good Sense not here to do work on your behalf. Man of good Sense only here to help you on strategic level until you wise enough to overcome recession."

Teacher has two boxes: "Book Smart" and "Street Smart"

The Canary in the Coal Mine

"I became a mentor because I needed more direction in life."

"I can definitely give you my two cents, Sir – just let me know how you want it: Bitcoin, Paypal, or Venmo."

"At least he's honest about it..."

'Where you went wrong' Desk.

"Every single day, guys ask you for advice about women, work, sports... Haven't you ever even heard of the law of supply and demand?. . .I'd be glad to steer the downtrodden and the forlorn your way for a mere 82% of the man-to-man-talk fee."