Academic Adviser Gifts

"Of course we aren't divulging your grades to perfect strangers, Sam. Your parents aren't perfect strangers."

Ethics exam cheater.

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

'As a beginning teacher, you know you come here prepared to teach and become a good teacher. As you gain experience, you will learn that you also come here to care and become a great teacher.'

"Oh, stop it. You are not at all obtuse." Complimentary angles make the other angles feel good about themselves.

"Then we have an unspoken agreement?"

Continuing education.

U of Debt

'How many times have I told to seize the day before it seizes you?'

'Negotiations have reached an impasse, legal recommends we resort to violence.'

Procrastinator Foumdation: 'We're putting off the decision to fund you for at least another month...'

"Give a man a fish and you feed him for the day. Teach a man to fish and you can charge a consulting fee."

I'm getting ready to apply for college. Do you have a list of party schools?

'Answer these constituents letters. Tell them to go to hell in a nice way.'

All Hail the Matriarchy

'We'd like to form a support group for homework anxiety.'

"Just go with the workflow."

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

"I'd like to change my major from dental to mental."

Saving for College.

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

'You will now be presented with your degrees. That is, of course, after you jump through another one of our little hoops.'

"Remember, Man of good Sense not here to do work on your behalf. Man of good Sense only here to help you on strategic level until you wise enough to overcome recession."

Teacher has two boxes: "Book Smart" and "Street Smart"

"I became a mentor because I needed more direction in life."

"I can definitely give you my two cents, Sir – just let me know how you want it: Bitcoin, Paypal, or Venmo."

'I wanted to ask you about life-experience credit.'

"At least he's honest about it..."

"I thought you were out front telling the fence company how to do their job."

'Where you went wrong' Desk.

"Every single day, guys ask you for advice about women, work, sports... Haven't you ever even heard of the law of supply and demand?. . .I'd be glad to steer the downtrodden and the forlorn your way for a mere 82% of the man-to-man-talk fee."

"And this is my cousin Dave, who handles the conventional wisdom."

"Professor Van Winkle, the university has instituted Reevaluation of Tenure, time to wake up."

'It basically boils down to you need to do stuff better.'

Don't forget to read the small print.