Academic Advisor Gifts

Ethics exam cheater.

'You can't take the Ethics course-you're a Political Science major.'

'Wow, that sounds rigorous. What are the prerequisites for living in my mom's basement?'

Continuing education.

Bachelors and Masters degrees.

'You will now be presented with your degrees. That is, of course, after you jump through another one of our little hoops.'

"Summer's coming. How does pre-med camp sound."

"I gave permission for you to Skype my class, not skip it."

"I think our daughter should change her major. She can now ask for money in 3 different languages!"

College of Arts and Sciences (and a few things to fall back on).

'All of my degrees are from on-line universities. I guess that makes me a man of e-mails rather than of letters.'

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

'As a beginning teacher, you know you come here prepared to teach and become a good teacher. As you gain experience, you will learn that you also come here to care and become a great teacher.'

"If you opt for our premium package Ryan will only have tenured professors."

'It's hopeless, I can't find one university that offers a degree course in cut 'n' paste or plagiarism.'

Someone's making the dean's list.

"I still prefer the old fashioned universities."

Teacher has two boxes: "Book Smart" and "Street Smart"

"I'd like to change my major from dental to mental."

"He's at grade level for everything except cursing. He's swearing at a 9th grade level."

"Those were the toughest tryouts I've ever had. Everyone has shown great improvement, but I only have one slot open. Congratulations, Gracie! You're the newest member of our academic decathlon team!"

"When I go to college, I'm focusing on a STEM area of study!"

The Modern Liberal Arts Degree

"I love college."

Dave learns that he will have to take 'Reduncancy 101' again next semester.

"Prebish, we usually limit our Comparative Religions course to the more reputable religions."

"Some days I really wish I had finished med school. Not that I ever started med school."

"Oh, stop it. You are not at all obtuse." Complimentary angles make the other angles feel good about themselves.

'Here's the deal - whoever draws the high card gets funded.'

'While the campus master plan does not provide for one, it does not rule out the possibility of a COSTCO.'

'Hold on, the university is eliminating the duelling team. They're no longer willing to tolerate the low graduation rate.'

'I'm afraid you will have to take 'evolution' to graduate, Enoch, but you can cover your ears and hum anytime you want.'

Medical School. Dean's Office. You were flunking out. Did your midterm exams improve the outlook? I don't know what the prognosis is. They said my test results were inconclusive.

'Junior doesn't know exactly when he's graduating from college, but he's able to offer increasingly educated guesses.'

The education gurus who visited our school want to get rid of lousy teachers. What?! They say every child must have excellent teachers. What a farce! Huh?! Graduates would be unprepared for real life! How will they deal with