Admissions Gifts

You got into the college of my choice, and I got into the college of your choice. Now if we could just work something out...

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"Yes Dad, I passed math and now I'm passing chemistry and physics."

"I had all the right answers, but I had them in the wrong order."

"Still, diving for it would look good on my college application.

'Another football scholarship offer?'

My belief is if you're old enough to take texts, counter-texts, and meta-texts in Western Philosophy, you should be old enough to drink.

My new laptop is nicer than your new laptop. I'm not going to get into a competition about whose new laptop is nicer. The one I replaced is nicer than the one you replaced. Stop it.

Bribes for Jabs

"You know what happens when you make good grades? They send you to another school called college."

"At these tuition prices an acceptance letter is pretty much a denial."

"You're kidding! You count S.A.T.s?"

'He's got classic form, but if he doesn't improve his grades he won't get into college. He doesn't think.'

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

Big Rock University. Guidance Counselor. I'd like to switch my major from hunting to gathering!

Through These Hallowed Halls, walks Our Future - "Talk about putting pressure on a guy!"

'The bad news is you failed all your courses. The good news is you passed the urine test.'

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

"Class, this is Mr. Elzondo. He's going to talk about going to college."

"You'll never make it as a doctor with handwriting like this. I understood every word."

Yahoo! What's that about? She got into the college of her choice. Which college is it? Not sure. She chose to apply to 37. West Fester High School.

It's a letter from Tim. He claims his grades are improving and he might even make the DEEN's list.

'It's my application to Harvard...'

"Where am I going to college? I thought this was college."

"No, I'm not the first in my family to attend college. But I am the first at an Ivy."

'Does it matter what answer I put down? After all, this is Liberal Arts.'

Treadway college - A little knowledge, a lot of tuition.

'I'm partially passing my Meteorology course.'

Cover Design for Cambridge ABC (Student Magazine)

The 5 paragraph essay is sooo stupid. Why do we have to learn it? So you can get good SAT scores. That will get you into a good college, and then a good job. So you never have to write another 5-paragraph essay again.

'Cat Lit. You?'

End of Affirmative Action

Scenes we'd most like to see...

'I've decided to skip my senior year and go directly into an endless cycle of unrealistic expectations and failure.'