College Admissions Gifts

'We'll have to take this one - he invented the software we're using to make the selection.'

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"Being from another planet is worth thirty points towards your child's admission to Harvard."

Even Ordinary People Pay Bribes to Get Their Kids Into College

Relax! The college process need not be stressful! Staying calm actually helps your child cope. Parents' night. Top colleges are brutally competitive. Even state universities are rejecting excellent students. I'm relaxed. Me too!

The seniors are crazed about college. Admissions. I plan to be totally chill. 1000 colleges. You're not worried about the pre-SATs this Saturday? Of course not. West Fester High. I forgot all about them!!!

'It's my application to Harvard...'

'How dare you deny my son's application because of his low SAT scores! Everyone knows that test is culturally biased.'

'We're celebrating because our son DIDN'T get into the $50,000 private college but DID get into the $4,000 state university!'

"It's all set. We both have enough credits to go to college."

"Your sat scores were low, but the good news is your credit score is over 800."

"Actually, I'm hoping what I'm going to be when I grow up hasn't been invented yet."

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

"Yes Dad, I passed math and now I'm passing chemistry and physics."

"I had all the right answers, but I had them in the wrong order."

"Still, diving for it would look good on my college application.

'Another football scholarship offer?'

"One year closer to college!"

My new laptop is nicer than your new laptop. I'm not going to get into a competition about whose new laptop is nicer. The one I replaced is nicer than the one you replaced. Stop it.

Bribes for Jabs

"You know what happens when you make good grades? They send you to another school called college."

"At these tuition prices an acceptance letter is pretty much a denial."

'Your pediatrician? No. . . I'm your baby's college admissions representatives.'

'He's got classic form, but if he doesn't improve his grades he won't get into college. He doesn't think.'

In addition to brilliant grades and perfect SATs � Parents' night. College admissions. Your child should excel at 3 sports and lead a school extra-curricular like the newspaper. Don't the arts count? Sure! If your child sings, for example � A part on 'Glee' or in the Metropolitan Opera would certainly help. Our kids are doomed.

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

'This scholarship application is great. You must have received an A in creative writing.'

Big Rock University. Guidance Counselor. I'd like to switch my major from hunting to gathering!

Through These Hallowed Halls, walks Our Future - "Talk about putting pressure on a guy!"

'The bad news is you failed all your courses. The good news is you passed the urine test.'

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

"No, I'm not the first in my family to attend college. But I am the first at an Ivy."

It's a letter from Tim. He claims his grades are improving and he might even make the DEEN's list.

"Where am I going to college? I thought this was college."

Yahoo! What's that about? She got into the college of her choice. Which college is it? Not sure. She chose to apply to 37. West Fester High School.