College Applicant Gifts

NCAA Applications

"Cheer up, Nicole! What does Princeton know? Say, you got any plans for that last bit of cobbler?"

"College Admissions"

The SAT test scores rose for students from rich families. Mom? Dad? If I'm going to get into a top college

'Yale's my first choice but any ivy school will do.'

"Actually, I'm hoping what I'm going to be when I grow up hasn't been invented yet."

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"Yes Dad, I passed math and now I'm passing chemistry and physics."

"I had all the right answers, but I had them in the wrong order."

"Still, diving for it would look good on my college application.

'Another football scholarship offer?'

"One year closer to college!"

"You know what happens when you make good grades? They send you to another school called college."

Bribes for Jabs

My new laptop is nicer than your new laptop. I'm not going to get into a competition about whose new laptop is nicer. The one I replaced is nicer than the one you replaced. Stop it.

I'm getting ready to apply for college. Do you have a list of party schools?

"At these tuition prices an acceptance letter is pretty much a denial."

'Your pediatrician? No. . . I'm your baby's college admissions representatives.'

'He's got classic form, but if he doesn't improve his grades he won't get into college. He doesn't think.'

"So what makes you think you're the man for the job?"

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

'This scholarship application is great. You must have received an A in creative writing.'

Big Rock University. Guidance Counselor. I'd like to switch my major from hunting to gathering!

Through These Hallowed Halls, walks Our Future - "Talk about putting pressure on a guy!"

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

'The bad news is you failed all your courses. The good news is you passed the urine test.'

Yahoo! What's that about? She got into the college of her choice. Which college is it? Not sure. She chose to apply to 37. West Fester High School.

"Class, this is Mr. Elzondo. He's going to talk about going to college."

Look! There's a photo of our eco club's Earth Day actions in the newspaper! Sports. Power up the green machine!! I could use more copies. Me too. They're going to really power up my college applications.

"No, I'm not the first in my family to attend college. But I am the first at an Ivy."

'It's my application to Harvard...'

'I wish his guidance counselor spent more time on college plans and less time suggesting names for his band.'

It's a letter from Tim. He claims his grades are improving and he might even make the DEEN's list.

Treadway college - A little knowledge, a lot of tuition.