College Admission Gifts

"Yes Dad, I passed math and now I'm passing chemistry and physics."

'This isn't a good time. I'm in trouble with the Dean for using my cell phone in class. I'll call you back.'

"That's Ruffles, our I.Q.-sniffing dog."

'Explain to us, son, how gaining nine A levels is uncool and damages your street cred.'

"Financially, you're in the top third but you're in the bottom third of that third. You are, however, in the top third of that bottom third?"

'He's got classic form, but if he doesn't improve his grades he won't get into college. He doesn't think.'

Contest to enter the University

"There was no hazing involved. We simply beat him up."

College Football

"If you have to ask, you can't afford it."

"Not the 'Princeton Experience' he was expecting."

"Well, my IQ is 180--and that's in Centigrade, not Fahrenheit."

"I didn't have rich parents to bribe my way into college, I had to take out student loans for that. . ."

Gracie goes over to the college recruitment tent at a carnival.

"It's all set. We both have enough credits to go to college."

"Don't put your mother on the page, Miss S. Worthington"

'I'm partially passing my Meteorology course.'

'I think my parents are feeling the pinch of college tuition. They're talking about return on investment.'

"Aren't you young to be worrying about college?"

It's a letter from Tim. He claims his grades are improving and he might even make the DEEN's list.

The 5 paragraph essay is sooo stupid. Why do we have to learn it? So you can get good SAT scores. That will get you into a good college, and then a good job. So you never have to write another 5-paragraph essay again.

Big Rock University. Guidance Counselor. I'd like to switch my major from hunting to gathering!

Chère Maman

Student Loan Lenders Are Predatory

Bribes for Jabs

Even Ordinary People Pay Bribes to Get Their Kids Into College

"Yale mom. Yale grandpa. Yale estranged creepy uncle."

"Actually, I'm hoping what I'm going to be when I grow up hasn't been invented yet."

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"I had all the right answers, but I had them in the wrong order."

"Still, diving for it would look good on my college application.

'Another football scholarship offer?'

"One year closer to college!"

"You know what happens when you make good grades? They send you to another school called college."