School Admissions Gifts

"Now, remember, be the yourself we talked about."

Catholic school admissions exam - Q: Is the Pope a catholic?

Boho Bribes

"I'm sorry, but Woolfsey Academy expects a basic level of preparation from its candidates. Mistaking vermilion for scarlet? I don't think so.".

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"Yes Dad, I passed math and now I'm passing chemistry and physics."

"I had all the right answers, but I had them in the wrong order."

Bribes for Jabs

My new laptop is nicer than your new laptop. I'm not going to get into a competition about whose new laptop is nicer. The one I replaced is nicer than the one you replaced. Stop it.

"You know what happens when you make good grades? They send you to another school called college."

"At these tuition prices an acceptance letter is pretty much a denial."

'He's got classic form, but if he doesn't improve his grades he won't get into college. He doesn't think.'

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

Big Rock University. Guidance Counselor. I'd like to switch my major from hunting to gathering!

Through These Hallowed Halls, walks Our Future - "Talk about putting pressure on a guy!"

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

'The bad news is you failed all your courses. The good news is you passed the urine test.'

"Class, this is Mr. Elzondo. He's going to talk about going to college."

'It's my application to Harvard...'

Yahoo! What's that about? She got into the college of her choice. Which college is it? Not sure. She chose to apply to 37. West Fester High School.

It's a letter from Tim. He claims his grades are improving and he might even make the DEEN's list.

"No, I'm not the first in my family to attend college. But I am the first at an Ivy."

"Where am I going to college? I thought this was college."

Treadway college - A little knowledge, a lot of tuition.

Scenes we'd most like to see...

'Cat Lit. You?'

College game crowd: 'WE WON',,,'and that somehow makes you superior'

'I've decided to skip my senior year and go directly into an endless cycle of unrealistic expectations and failure.'

The 5 paragraph essay is sooo stupid. Why do we have to learn it? So you can get good SAT scores. That will get you into a good college, and then a good job. So you never have to write another 5-paragraph essay again.

'I'm partially passing my Meteorology course.'

End of Affirmative Action

"Well, my IQ is 180--and that's in Centigrade, not Fahrenheit."

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."

'Good news Mom. I was accepted to the college of your choice.'