School Admissions Season Gifts

"I sometimes wonder if these kids really live in the catchment area"

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"Yes Dad, I passed math and now I'm passing chemistry and physics."

"Still, diving for it would look good on my college application.

Procrastinator Foumdation: 'We're putting off the decision to fund you for at least another month...'

Bribes for Jabs

'He's got classic form, but if he doesn't improve his grades he won't get into college. He doesn't think.'

'This scholarship application is great. You must have received an A in creative writing.'

In addition to brilliant grades and perfect SATs � Parents' night. College admissions. Your child should excel at 3 sports and lead a school extra-curricular like the newspaper. Don't the arts count? Sure! If your child sings, for example � A part on 'Glee' or in the Metropolitan Opera would certainly help. Our kids are doomed.

Big Rock University. Guidance Counselor. I'd like to switch my major from hunting to gathering!

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

"Where am I going to college? I thought this was college."

'It's my application to Harvard...'

It's a letter from Tim. He claims his grades are improving and he might even make the DEEN's list.

"Well, my IQ is 180--and that's in Centigrade, not Fahrenheit."

Snacks for Learners

The 5 paragraph essay is sooo stupid. Why do we have to learn it? So you can get good SAT scores. That will get you into a good college, and then a good job. So you never have to write another 5-paragraph essay again.

End of Affirmative Action

'I'm partially passing my Meteorology course.'

"Our focus here is on the arts. Is he pottery trained?"

You got into the college of my choice, and I got into the college of your choice. Now if we could just work something out...

"If you have to ask, you can't afford it."

Private School Interview - 'How much do your parents weigh?'

"Aren't you young to be worrying about college?"

The bane of every college applicant: the admissions essay.

'This isn't a good time. I'm in trouble with the Dean for using my cell phone in class. I'll call you back.'

Waiting for the results.

Contest to enter the University

Gracie goes over to the college recruitment tent at a carnival.

Chère Maman

Universidad

"Being from another planet is worth thirty points towards your child's admission to Harvard."

"Not the 'Princeton Experience' he was expecting."

'Explain to us, son, how gaining nine A levels is uncool and damages your street cred.'

Night Owl