College Applications Gifts

The bane of every college applicant: the admissions essay.

As he picked up the video game controller, the trap was sprung, and Ryan's mother forced him to fill out college applications.

NCAA Applications

"Still, diving for it would look good on my college application.

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

Last Parent Trying To Get Child Into College

Wow! Look at all these college brochures. You're soo popular! The top colleges in the country want me to apply! Um, Twig. You know they're trolling for applicants to boost their stupid rankings. That's ok. At least I'll be rejected by the very best! You can visit me at Harvard.

'There's really no need for confusion. Page 95, section 33, paragraph L in this scholarship application instructions quite clearly says ... '

'This scholarship application is great. You must have received an A in creative writing.'

"Actually, I'm hoping what I'm going to be when I grow up hasn't been invented yet."

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"Yes Dad, I passed math and now I'm passing chemistry and physics."

"I had all the right answers, but I had them in the wrong order."

'Another football scholarship offer?'

My new laptop is nicer than your new laptop. I'm not going to get into a competition about whose new laptop is nicer. The one I replaced is nicer than the one you replaced. Stop it.

"You know what happens when you make good grades? They send you to another school called college."

Bribes for Jabs

I'm getting ready to apply for college. Do you have a list of party schools?

"At these tuition prices an acceptance letter is pretty much a denial."

'Your pediatrician? No. . . I'm your baby's college admissions representatives.'

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

'He's got classic form, but if he doesn't improve his grades he won't get into college. He doesn't think.'

Big Rock University. Guidance Counselor. I'd like to switch my major from hunting to gathering!

In addition to brilliant grades and perfect SATs � Parents' night. College admissions. Your child should excel at 3 sports and lead a school extra-curricular like the newspaper. Don't the arts count? Sure! If your child sings, for example � A part on 'Glee' or in the Metropolitan Opera would certainly help. Our kids are doomed.

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

Through These Hallowed Halls, walks Our Future - "Talk about putting pressure on a guy!"

'The bad news is you failed all your courses. The good news is you passed the urine test.'

Yahoo! What's that about? She got into the college of her choice. Which college is it? Not sure. She chose to apply to 37. West Fester High School.

Look! There's a photo of our eco club's Earth Day actions in the newspaper! Sports. Power up the green machine!! I could use more copies. Me too. They're going to really power up my college applications.

'I wish his guidance counselor spent more time on college plans and less time suggesting names for his band.'

"No, I'm not the first in my family to attend college. But I am the first at an Ivy."

'It's my application to Harvard...'

"Where am I going to college? I thought this was college."

"Class, this is Mr. Elzondo. He's going to talk about going to college."