University Admissions Officer Gifts

'...Not getting in, too big a bribe...'

"No, accepting students who are unqualified is not what we mean by diversity."

Harvard Waiting List

Hi, I work at the admissions office of the local university. If you could change the world in three days, what would you do?

'If I major in criminology, can I get life experience credit?'

'I admit I copied all my essays from the internet.'

Ethics exam cheater.

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

A very young man being hired as a groom.

'Your pediatrician? No. . . I'm your baby's college admissions representatives.'

"You're kidding! You count S.A.T.s?"

'This scholarship application is great. You must have received an A in creative writing.'

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

In addition to brilliant grades and perfect SATs � Parents' night. College admissions. Your child should excel at 3 sports and lead a school extra-curricular like the newspaper. Don't the arts count? Sure! If your child sings, for example � A part on 'Glee' or in the Metropolitan Opera would certainly help. Our kids are doomed.

'If we hadn't outsourced the staff, we could've eaten them.'

"Let me put it this way: I'm hitting 'Unlike' and 'Unhire.'"

'I have serious doubts about the efficiency of that new 'apples and bucket' hiring test.'

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

'Remember that promotion you were asking for last month, , ,Well, something just opened up,'

"We had to lay off most of the staff to pay for the recruitment and training of new staff to replace the staff we laid off."

'It's my application to Harvard...'

"You'll never make it as a doctor with handwriting like this. I understood every word."

"Did I say 'corner office'? I meant 'corner of my office'."

End of Affirmative Action

'Due to budget cuts we are having to take on more temporary staff.'

"Our focus here is on the arts. Is he pottery trained?"

You got into the college of my choice, and I got into the college of your choice. Now if we could just work something out...

'I suspected hackers when it accepted all the student scholarship applications.'

'The really scary part is that he is the new head of human resources.'

Southwick College: Basically, for the most part, usually - a meritocracy.

Private School Interview - 'How much do your parents weigh?'

"We only hire temps, and you have a look of permanence about you."

'W e e e l l . . . my mum says I'm good at testing the patience of saints'

We don't use pink slips anymore. Just press 'delete' for Henderson and Philips.