University Admissions Officer Gifts

'...Not getting in, too big a bribe...'

"No, accepting students who are unqualified is not what we mean by diversity."

Hi, I work at the admissions office of the local university. If you could change the world in three days, what would you do?

'If I major in criminology, can I get life experience credit?'

'I admit I copied all my essays from the internet.'

Ethics exam cheater.

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

A very young man being hired as a groom.

"You're kidding! You count S.A.T.s?"

'Your pediatrician? No. . . I'm your baby's college admissions representatives.'

'This scholarship application is great. You must have received an A in creative writing.'

'If we hadn't outsourced the staff, we could've eaten them.'

"Let me put it this way: I'm hitting 'Unlike' and 'Unhire.'"

'I have serious doubts about the efficiency of that new 'apples and bucket' hiring test.'

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

'Remember that promotion you were asking for last month, , ,Well, something just opened up,'

"You'll never make it as a doctor with handwriting like this. I understood every word."

"We had to lay off most of the staff to pay for the recruitment and training of new staff to replace the staff we laid off."

'It's my application to Harvard...'

"Did I say 'corner office'? I meant 'corner of my office'."

End of Affirmative Action

You got into the college of my choice, and I got into the college of your choice. Now if we could just work something out...

'Due to budget cuts we are having to take on more temporary staff.'

"Our focus here is on the arts. Is he pottery trained?"

'I suspected hackers when it accepted all the student scholarship applications.'

Southwick College: Basically, for the most part, usually - a meritocracy.

Private School Interview - 'How much do your parents weigh?'

'The really scary part is that he is the new head of human resources.'

"We only hire temps, and you have a look of permanence about you."

'W e e e l l . . . my mum says I'm good at testing the patience of saints'

"Are you willing to relocate?"

We don't use pink slips anymore. Just press 'delete' for Henderson and Philips.

"How far do you think they had to go fill the post?"

"He's our newest partner, we can't afford to be as selective as we used to be."