Woeful Raconteur Gifts

"So what brings you to this godforsaken end of the bar?"

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

Non Thought For The Day.

'No.... My cat doesn't like being given pills either...'

"I do love you, but I love you as a crimefighter."

I'm a gangster rap fan too!

"And the next thing I knew, I was kissing her, and two of her friends, I think one was a dude, then we all did Ecstasy, rented a limo, and went to Vegas—but I swear that's all that happened."

'Oh, just my old war injury acting up.'

'If you're worried what to say you do for a living at your reunion, just tell them you recently bought a large stake in a local brewery.'

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

'Guess who I bumped into today? EVERYBODY!'

"Hurry, hurry! When you get back, we'll finish rehashing 1924 and get right on to 1925!"

'He's still on a tether from his incarceration, but one day he hopes to go wireless.'

There is no limit to the amount of nonsense that men can talk about football.

Tonight's specials are printed on the side of the barn. ? Bar.

"But you got some good reviews too, yeah?"

Max Beerbohm

Oscar Wilde

'So, do you fish for sport or do you actually catch something?'

It Actually Happened 'My neighbour is always bragging about her Manx cat....

"Okay, now we just wait for the wind to pick up!"

"Old, you've seemed a bit down recently. Do you need anything?"

"Why, Ed Phillips! I haven't seen you since our divorce!"

Time flies when you're having fun.

'You can always tell the ones with the big severance buyouts.'

'When did I first start rambling? Well, it's a long story...'

"Whatever you do in there all day is fine with me, so long as it's not writing a memoir."

"In the bad old days, Nigel used to spend much of his time drinking and 'picking up birds'. . ."

Liar's Club fish

I'm thinking of open-carrying. Forget it, little buddy. The last thing anyone needs is for you to be running around armed. You don't know the first thing about firearm safety. Who said anything about firearms? I'm talking about open-carrying my iPad. STOP! There's nothing more disgusting than a geek who thinks he's a technology cowboy wearing his gadgets like they're weapons. Stop the madness! What do you think, Randy: Hip holster, thigh holster, or shoulder sling? STOP!!! A real man would just

"Yes, I remember you. I recommend the house Merlot. It goes well with a bad tip."

"When I was your age we didn't have mouths."

"Deals in junk....talks a load of rubbish."

"My support group told me to go to hell."