Witty Retreater Gifts

'My main means of defense, believe it or not, is the fleetness if my feet!'

'Whoooa,MAN,check out this STORM! It's PELTING down!'

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

"Sadie, I just heard they discovered lots of ancient cities buried hundreds of years ago in the jungles of Cambodia. They've each got weird geometric patterns outlining what may have been gardens. But no one really knows what they were used for. I guess what I'm asking you is... what were they used for? Y'know, since you were there to see them in their prime. They were used for ritual sacrifices of dullards. For educational purposes, I shall now perform one."

Arabic Thief Salad - lashings of whipped cream...

In 1682 in a remote cave in the Ural Mountains, Heinrick Glaston discovers irony.

Heart To Heart

'I'd like an 'Innuendo' please - a big one.'

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

"Yes, mother, I'm recharging."

Law office sign: "Defending the citizen's entitlement to folly since 1935"

"Where are all the hecklers? I have some great rejoinders."

Edwina momentarily considered sarcasm. . .

'I object to the prosecution calling my client a liar. The witness is merely fact-based reality challenged.'

'I would go to the end of the world for you.' - 'Yes, but would you stay there?'

This beer has given me the courage to invite you back to my place. This wine has given me the courage to invite you to drop dead.

"Yes I do like intelligent women - what a stupid question!"

David Letterman

'I am glad I never caught any rabbits! I've been living off the royalties ever since!'

Mechanics price list.

One Way/Two Ways.

'True but only in practice, not in principle.'

"The entire time you were talking to Marissa you had a piece of spinach between your teeth."

'Mr. Churchill, you are drunk !' 'Yes Madam and you are ugly but tomorrow I shall be sober.'

"We have a new card line called 'It Must Be Nice'. Congratulate your friends, but with a hint of bitterness."

"My advice, don't marry for money. You can borrow it for 3.5%."

I need advice and if you ever tall anyone I asked, you're dead. Go ahead. People aren't taking me seriously. When I insult them, they don't seem that bothered. They don't cry or run away like they used to. C'mon, you're plenty offensive. Don't patronize me you @#$% meathead. Wow. Didn't bother me a bit.

"I felt the Earth Move!"

"I'd like something profound, witty, and outrageously irreverent."

'I believe the saying is 'trust but verify,' not 'trust, but what would mother do'.'

'I have nothing to declare but my genius!'

'I've been lucky with men - I haven't met any yet...'

Never try to solve an economic problem with a political answer.

Acme Stupidity Insurance. It's an idea whose time has come.

A moocher borrows a cup of sugar to make a sponge cake.