Witty Comebacks Gifts

'Mr. Churchill, you are drunk !' 'Yes Madam and you are ugly but tomorrow I shall be sober.'

"Where are all the hecklers? I have some great rejoinders."

"Adopted? It's cute how you think we would've picked you."

"I'm afraid we have very little in the salary range you're accustomed to."

Heart To Heart

'Why are you so obnoxious?' 'Heredity!'

'Answer me one question, would you?' 'O.K.' 'Do you still love me?' 'That's two!'

'I'd like an 'Innuendo' please - a big one.'

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

"Yes, mother, I'm recharging."

Edwina momentarily considered sarcasm. . .

'Can you give me a few minutes, Waiter? I can't run on a full stomach.'

'Dear Oscar, such a dry sense of humour.'

David Letterman

Under Canvas

'I would go to the end of the world for you.' - 'Yes, but would you stay there?'

'Some boys think I'm pretty. Some think I'm ugly. What do you think?'

Recycle your problems. Many of our neuroses, hang-ups and character defects can be re-used by others.

"I've got an idea for my comeback."

'True but only in practice, not in principle.'

Inattentive Boy

"I'm keeping you back after school!"

Back on the mound after succesful Elton John surgery.

'I say Madam, I prefer my soup bald!' (Victor Hugo, Notre-Dame de Paris)

'Every Hallowe'en barbeque he goes way over the top!'

"I felt the Earth Move!"

I need advice and if you ever tall anyone I asked, you're dead. Go ahead. People aren't taking me seriously. When I insult them, they don't seem that bothered. They don't cry or run away like they used to. C'mon, you're plenty offensive. Don't patronize me you @#$% meathead. Wow. Didn't bother me a bit.

"I'll draw them out with the cheese platter, but it's up to you to entertain them."

'Keep in mind I'm beautiful on the inside.'

'I've been lucky with men - I haven't met any yet...'

Brunette girlfriend " I quite like your beard. You are only half as ugly now."

Jump The Queue

Oil Change

"If you're a self made man...why did you made yourself so short?"

"Yep, I was the little runt you used to tease all the time! Guess what, I had a late growth spurt..."