Witty Quipsters Gifts

'I hope he didn't write the menu.' (Pub quizzers comment on poor grammar)

"It's time to retire the word 'profit'."

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'Is the water cold?'

Leaving cards.

'What a gyp! Yesterday, after I got fixed, I put my testicles under my pillow, and all I got was a quarter!'

Official Seal

Heart To Heart

'What I meant by 'quark' in 'Finnegans Wake' was a hypothetical particle with a fractional electric charge.

'I'd like an 'Innuendo' please - a big one.'

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

Death Watch

"Wife and two hernias to support!"

'According to my Dad, bosses are just like headmasters. The only difference is that they give you money every month.'

Is this your father, little guy? No, lady, my father is a libel attorney, and you'll be hearing from him.

"You have a lot of unresolved anger and it's settled in your hat."

Edwina momentarily considered sarcasm. . .

Large Hadron Colliider-scope

'I preferred it before you started taking Prozac.'

Home Business - Wife.

People with anything valuable to say rarely become orators.

"Does it occur to you that the only thing separating us is a basket of bar snacks? And a flimsy basket at that?"

Over. Under. Sideways. Kid.

David Letterman

'I got 50p - how much did you get?'

If you had awful, disgusting fish-breath, would you want someone to tell you? Nice try, amateur. But you're talking to the woman who wrote "The Art Of The Insult." It was a best-seller in 1941. You just quoted chapter 48, paragraph 7: "The Plausibly Deniable IF-sult." Yeah. Right, you made that up. Nice try. Chapter 42: "Sarcastic Dismiss-sult."

"But we had stir-fry last night and the night before."

"I used to have a good head for business. Then I went and got married."

Inside the Large Hadron Collider

"I don't care if all your friends like that. You go back and put on some more insulation, young lady!"

'Did someone forget to circle before dinner.'

Heisenberg Witness Protection Program

"I've got what it takes to take what you've got."

I need advice and if you ever tall anyone I asked, you're dead. Go ahead. People aren't taking me seriously. When I insult them, they don't seem that bothered. They don't cry or run away like they used to. C'mon, you're plenty offensive. Don't patronize me you @#$% meathead. Wow. Didn't bother me a bit.