Witty Donor Pillows

"And if anything goes wrong I'd like to donate my body to comedy."

"Bed Spread"

Bangers and Mash

"And finally, I'd like to take any questions from the floor."

Some cars need a backseat steering wheel.

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

'Oh, and one more thing

"Yes, it was 'love at first sight'. But, by the time I'd made my first opticians appointment we were already married."

'Doctor, one placebo or two with your tea?'

In 1682 in a remote cave in the Ural Mountains, Heinrick Glaston discovers irony.

"I told him he was allowed one phone call. He's making a pledge to Channel 13."

'Can we just do this pass-fail?'

Wise Cracker

It started with a giggling sound in the suspension, then a noise in the ventilator, and then...

'I've got one of those wobbly forwards trolleys!'

'When you grounded me to my room, you said no TV or computer. You never said I couldn't build my own bike.'

Death Watch

"My husband would get out and change the tire, but he has a lug nut allergy."

"I thought you meant a football pool."

'Can I choose which brick you name after me?'

One Way/Two Ways.

Mechanics price list.

"I'm sorry, but you're not the patient your father was."

Armour Plate

'He must be the real Santa... He was the only sober guy at the Xmas party!'

'Yeah... and I'm the tooth-fairy!'

'I'll trade you my topsoil for your apple.'

'I should warn you - all our 'non-loaded' funds are alcohol free.'

'I don't think she's pretty.' 'Neither do I.' (After a pause.) 'Did she refuse you too?'

"Back when we were in college, and occasionally sleeping together, I never thought I'd be here, toasting you at your wedding to a woman."

"We have a new card line called 'It Must Be Nice'. Congratulate your friends, but with a hint of bitterness."

"As you know, Ed, my pockets are considerably deeper than yours. Therefore, in addition to my share I'll be needing a percentage of yours."

'We'd like a GPS device that would direct us to affordable gas.'

'Every Hallowe'en barbeque he goes way over the top!'

"Probably shouldn't have finished off the saltines."