Witty Communicator Pillows

'Please try to be more tactful with your co-workers...' 'Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic...'

"Humorous caption."

"I'm sorry, but you're not the patient your father was."

'I'll have to go - someone's knocking at the door.'

Shouldn't the hotline have a connection to dial-a-prayer?

Is my mother-in-law the only one who shows up with an attache case?

"You're one of the most twisted people I know!"

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

Bangers and Mash

"Idea?" "No. Just a light bulb."

"Bed Spread"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"I love it when your eyes blaze like that; you remind me of Moses."

Nature is going crazy! Extremely hot summers, tornadoes, floods. . .and now Frank comes home sober on a Friday evening at 10 PM!

A lady playing piano and a man talking to her

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

"Go on, say it again, 'I love you' in Armadillo."

"Darling, do you ever worry that we're becoming some sort of Merchant-Ivory production?"

Crow and fox

"Those are wonderful insights jack but we're, Looking for actual ideas."

Give way - 'Oh, alright then...'

By teaching the parrot a few key phrases, Marilyn no longer needs to nag her kids.

"Do excuse me, I've got a nuttiness allergy."

Jokes machine.

'Oh, and one more thing

'I understand you know how to treat a woman.'

"Are we ‘still working’? No, we’re still eating. You, however, are ‘still working’—now get lost!"

LEMONADE, 'Actually, I hate places like this.'

'Of course, this social contract will have to remain hypothical until someone invents writing.'

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

The Algonquin Round Table

"Yes, it was 'love at first sight'. But, by the time I'd made my first opticians appointment we were already married."

'The bar association barred me from going before the bar...So I came to a bar.'

"Virginia Woolf meets 'Car Talk.'"

"So, what is your star sign?"