Witty Communicator Pillows

'Please try to be more tactful with your co-workers...' 'Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic...'

"Humorous caption."

"I'm sorry, but you're not the patient your father was."

'I'll have to go - someone's knocking at the door.'

Shouldn't the hotline have a connection to dial-a-prayer?

Is my mother-in-law the only one who shows up with an attache case?

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

Bangers and Mash

"Idea?" "No. Just a light bulb."

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"Bed Spread"

Nature is going crazy! Extremely hot summers, tornadoes, floods. . .and now Frank comes home sober on a Friday evening at 10 PM!

"I love it when your eyes blaze like that; you remind me of Moses."

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

Crow and fox

"Go on, say it again, 'I love you' in Armadillo."

A lady playing piano and a man talking to her

"Darling, do you ever worry that we're becoming some sort of Merchant-Ivory production?"

"Those are wonderful insights jack but we're, Looking for actual ideas."

LEMONADE, 'Actually, I hate places like this.'

'Of course, this social contract will have to remain hypothical until someone invents writing.'

Jokes machine.

Give way - 'Oh, alright then...'

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

"Are we ‘still working’? No, we’re still eating. You, however, are ‘still working’—now get lost!"

'Oh, and one more thing

"Do excuse me, I've got a nuttiness allergy."

The Algonquin Round Table

"Virginia Woolf meets 'Car Talk.'"

"So, what is your star sign?"

"Tell her I'm exercising my twenty-first amendment rights."

"Yes, it was 'love at first sight'. But, by the time I'd made my first opticians appointment we were already married."

Bat out of Hell

'The bar association barred me from going before the bar...So I came to a bar.'

'Twigs... great, that'll be comfortable.'