Whisky Wizard Gifts

'Who cares about the porridge! Thank God she didn't find my single malts!'

'Which' Consumer Testing Whiskies

'That's why I love free enterprise - a sagging enterprise means soaring alcohol sales!'

'You're a Bourbon, Louis - show me how to mix an old-fashioned.'

God taking iceburgs with ice tongs for his whisky.

'What have we got to lose? She says she'll turn every toxic asset in Britain into 12 year old malt Scotch.'

The Vineyard

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

"And for my next trick. . . turning wine back into water."

"OK. . .stain, aspirin, water tablet, B12 vitamin, and whisky."

"Is there any way I can un-drink this wine?"

'So much for your theory that mixing two 50-point-rated wines equals one rated 100.'

"My wife commissioned a portrait of me."

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'Beer brewery? No, I wanted the witches brew! Damn GPS.'

Portfolio, 2011

'It has to breathe for exactly 22 minutes; then I can pour you a glass - right after the sacrifice.'

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

'I've written six books on wine; owned my own winery and taught a wine class for two years. My next goal is to taste some.'

I'm getting an ample full taste... I'm getting whimsical... I'm getting 'red'

'Please forgive me for anything I've said or left unsaid.'

'Not only was the superbug immune to antibiotics, but it had developed a taste for Dr Jones' whisky.'

"Could I have a bottle of the Chateau Lafitte '67 but filled with the wine from Tesco 2019."

The virtual wine tasting was a big success

Whiskey wars

A few post-Christmas options for Santa.

'Well, we turned water into wine. Anyone remember how?'

"Nice try, but I don't think whisky counts as an 'essential medication'."

'I feel cosmopolitan tonight, Joe - Give me a scotch with an irish Chaser.'

"We'd like to do a song that will barely penetrate your consciousness as you continue to enjoy those faddish cigars and single-malt scotches."

'I'd recommend the white wine.'

"Is that neat whisky?"

"Do you have something for somebody with no palette, no taste and no money?"

"She got the house, six thousand a month and custody of our people."

"For the perfect sedative, take the juice from a bottle of whisky..."