Whisky Wizard T-Shirts

'Who cares about the porridge! Thank God she didn't find my single malts!'

'Which' Consumer Testing Whiskies

'That's why I love free enterprise - a sagging enterprise means soaring alcohol sales!'

'You're a Bourbon, Louis - show me how to mix an old-fashioned.'

God taking iceburgs with ice tongs for his whisky.

'What have we got to lose? She says she'll turn every toxic asset in Britain into 12 year old malt Scotch.'

The Vineyard

"And for my next trick. . . turning wine back into water."

"OK. . .stain, aspirin, water tablet, B12 vitamin, and whisky."

"Is there any way I can un-drink this wine?"

"My wife commissioned a portrait of me."

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'So much for your theory that mixing two 50-point-rated wines equals one rated 100.'

'Beer brewery? No, I wanted the witches brew! Damn GPS.'

'Please forgive me for anything I've said or left unsaid.'

Portfolio, 2011

'It has to breathe for exactly 22 minutes; then I can pour you a glass - right after the sacrifice.'

'I've written six books on wine; owned my own winery and taught a wine class for two years. My next goal is to taste some.'

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

I'm getting an ample full taste... I'm getting whimsical... I'm getting 'red'

'Not only was the superbug immune to antibiotics, but it had developed a taste for Dr Jones' whisky.'

The virtual wine tasting was a big success

Whiskey wars

"We'd like to do a song that will barely penetrate your consciousness as you continue to enjoy those faddish cigars and single-malt scotches."

'I feel cosmopolitan tonight, Joe - Give me a scotch with an irish Chaser.'

'Well, we turned water into wine. Anyone remember how?'

'I'd recommend the white wine.'

"Do you have something for somebody with no palette, no taste and no money?"

Pat's Bar, Rotgut Tasting 5-7.

"Is that neat whisky?"

"She got the house, six thousand a month and custody of our people."

"For the perfect sedative, take the juice from a bottle of whisky..."

'We have developed an APP we use to import ingredients from the Internet, merge them in the computer, and then download them into the distiller and then just bottle the output.'

"And that's when I realized that I much preferred making frothy desserts."

'Really, Bob, the Wine Fairy?'