Wellness Journey Gifts

'You're meant to take off the old nicotine patches before putting on a new one!'

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

Be Healthy

Doctor pulling golf caddy sees patient pulling oxygen caddy.

'Eat less. Drink less. Be merry more.'

"Your bad cholesterol is trying to persuade your good cholesterol to switch sides."

'Nowadays we want all our food to be ethically sourced, Personally I'd be happy if it was all chocolated sauced,'

Unguided imagery

Begin this high fiber diet slowly. Too fast and your co-workers may complain of a greenhouse effect.

"And this is a $20,000 ‘meditation room’ — can you believe it?!!"

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

"Would you like me to give it to you straight or sugar-coated?"

"Welcome to Sugar Free Farm! The reality show, where celebs go cold turkey on their sugar addictions for two weeks."

"You need to lose 20 cable channels."

"Grandmother, what big diastolic numbers you have."

Dieting Motivation.

'Looks like Shelia has overdone it with the cream scones this week!'

Men's Health Screenings.

''Exercise'? -- But I hate to eat and run!'

Women holding onto birds so that her weight seems lower

"I’d like to return my Fitbit—It won’t stop calling me a lazy piece of sh*t."

"Here they come: Detox and Botox."

Scales

Attack of the 'health' foods

"You're just a shell of your former self. You need to improve your diet."

"I've never seen Tia Carmen so excited about a grand opening."

Ed finally had to admit that his body was less of a temple and more of a worn-out parish church with a bouncy castle out front.

"Dear Diary... I've stopped smoking, and I'm sticking to my diet."

'Ask your doctor if getting your fat butt off the couch might be right for you!'

"If you follow my orders and break those bad habits, you'll be in as good a shape as you've never been."

Extreme Naturopathic Medicine.

Card: Get Human Soon!

"My brain said, exercise....my tummy auto-corrected that to, extra-fries!"

'I've added a few minutes to that hour glass figure I had in school.'