Weathered Humorist Gifts

TV 7 Weather

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

What's that? - 'It's a mosquito bite.' - 'Scratch it!' - 'No, I need to buy some cream.' - 'Make it bleed!!!' - 'Gahhh!!!' -

"I used to drink to forget. Now, age-related, short-term memory loss takes care of that for me."

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

I don't know what happened to the poor guy, but he's visibly shaken.

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

The new green legislature requires methane mitigation.

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

History of Cartooning.

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

'I don't get it. They told me to serve merlot at room temperature.'

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

'Good news Darling You've received loads of bids,,,'

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

'We can't serve you the businessman's lunch because you don't look the business type.'

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

'How much are your upside-down cakes? 99p.'

Paunch and Judy.

"Well I got a dog because I wanted to spend more time brushing hair off my clothes, and picking up poop."

'Yes, we are dining by candlelight because I thought it would be romantic. And also, because I didn't pay my electricity bill.'

'This sermon will run a little longer because it's a sermon about sermons that run a little long.'