Seasoning Humorist Gifts

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

"Gee, thanks pal."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"Well, at least it's an improvement from last night."

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

Honest Vending

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

"The Eggsorcist"

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

"No, Doris, not implants!"

'I don't think the employees like me.'

"It was a cheese and wine party but the mice got there first!"

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"Don't worry, Miss. I'll soon get the hang of it."

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

Santa Claus You Are Welcome.

"I'm starting my own movement—Occupy Fifty-Seventh Street."

"[UNABLE TO PROCESS THIS IMAGE]"

"I love November - the crunch of leaves underfoot... the crisp air... the holiday markets..." "... it getting dark by mid-afternoon..." "Okay, that's less enjoyable."

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

Looks Like They're Finally Renovating The Toilet

"I swear, Mr. Drumpf, I meant it in the best sense of the word." "Mr. Drumpf is a moron."