Pun-tastic Humorist Gifts

'And then the jury decided that I was ready for a long term relationship with the penal code system.'

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

"Gee, thanks pal."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

'I started out washing dishes, but when the dishwater tasted better than the soup...'

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

Do it yourself books.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

'I don't think the employees like me.'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

"I'm starting my own movement—Occupy Fifty-Seventh Street."

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"I swear, Mr. Drumpf, I meant it in the best sense of the word." "Mr. Drumpf is a moron."

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

"I see you also took the road less travelled!"

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

Looks Like They're Finally Renovating The Toilet

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

German School