Pun-addicted Humorist Gifts

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

"I keep feeling we should float the company"

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

Do it yourself books.

"He refuses to use these now they've made them gender nonspecific."

"I see you also took the road less travelled!"

'I see adventure in your future. Yes. You're going to be a culinary adventure.'

Carpool lane (a car driving into a long pool).

Ghost Scare-apy Sessions

Kind- hearted, nature-loving Jeff built a new improved bird table.

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

The marketing is out there now. People all know the pizzas are prepared on the premises. So why no customers?

'And in conclusion...'

Tunnel of Accountants: "You've been selected for a random audit."

'I'm writing you a prescription for some people soup.'

"And another thing, it's real cool in the summer!"

'What's your poisson?' (Man reading report on Farmed Salmon Toxins Scare).

"Extreme? Maybe. But I have the best behaved school in the district."

'In the circumstances, I think we should skip the housewarming party.'

"I washed my kilt last night , now I can't do a fling with it!"

'I collect a different type of oil painting.'

'What do you mean I used to be cute?'

"Waiter, there aren't any flies in my soup!"

The static electric eel is very rare.

'You give me goose bumps!'

Weather forecast

"I said, ‘I hit on your sister!’"

"Of course you're bored, sweetie. It's the fin de siècle."

"You're a gifted writer, although at times you're just too precious."

'It's for my teacher. Do you have one with love spelled right?'

'No, I said put the money in the Caymen Islands.'

"Remember I promised you some fun and games in the bedroom?"

A robber halds up a hair salon with a hairdryer pointed at the customers - 'Hand over all your hair restorer or I'll blow you away!'

No, he's not metamorphosing. He's in a time-out.