Pun Humorist Gifts

'No, not THAT corner!'

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

Do it yourself books.

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

"Well yes, I'm kind of a farmer now: I farm salmon..."

'You wanted a speedy trial, so I'm sentencing you to a swift kick.'

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

"Turn off cell phones violators will be over ruled."

"Extreme? Maybe. But I have the best behaved school in the district."

'What's your poisson?' (Man reading report on Farmed Salmon Toxins Scare).

'I collect a different type of oil painting.'

'What do you mean I used to be cute?'

'I download music from a radio station in South Korea, and I got Seoul music.'

'I think my back is baroque!'

Tinnitus.

"Waiter! - will my pizza be long?"

'Don't say anything dad, let the cartoonist do a punchline.'

Coulda Woulda Shoulda.

Man in the stocks on his typewriter.

"You read the exit sign. The eye chart is behind you."

Early Greek Humor. I love Aristotle, but oh, Eu-clid!

Before the wheel.

'See what happens when you forget to feed your pet?'

'Hold this til Tues and I'll pay you back, squid pro quo.'

"You may be more familiar with her maiden name, Kelly, Grace Kelly."

"Avast - it's Mobius Dick, the one-sided whale."

'Cheetah!'

'I didn't realize you were literally going to wear a little black number!'

"Late, as usual."

SALT- The horror movie

'Wait, Jethro! In the hanky directions for use it reads, FIRST clean your specs, THEN clean your nose!'

'Oh, I don't paint -- I'm a make-out artist!'

Jewdle

Snorting lines of the road on the way to rehab.

"It's called 'Unfinished Nude'."