Punning Humorist Gifts

Snorting lines of the road on the way to rehab.

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

The First Draft. . . Moby Duck.

'I started out washing dishes, but when the dishwater tasted better than the soup...'

Do it yourself books.

E-vac-u-ate! E-vac-u-ate! . . . I've just farted. . ."

K9 Literati

'Out, damned Spot.'

'Hard to follow...'

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

Garden of Eden and scrumping

"What if my inner demons want to write about bunnies?"

"Out, damn'd Spot, out I say! Ha Ha Ha Ha!"

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

Bookworm in book, sign reads: 'Tome, Sweet Tome.'

2B or not 2B

"I didn't say I started jogging, I said blogging."

'What's your poisson?' (Man reading report on Farmed Salmon Toxins Scare).

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

"I want to be upfront. At this point, I'm only looking for a casual hookup of Frankenstein."

Alternative Dickens: Oliver, having received more, requests a doggy bag.

'What do you mean I used to be cute?'

Lit. Exam. I carefully read "Ulysses," "Dubliners" and "Finnegans Wake," but I was kicked out by the teacher for calling the exam a "multiple-Joyce" test.

"Waiter! - will my pizza be long?"

'I think he'll be okay. He had a mild brush stroke.'

'Blasphemous? Christ no!'

"You may be more familiar with her maiden name, Kelly, Grace Kelly."

"It's a new signal to specify that we don't need Robin."

Baroque Dance Studio

'See what happens when you forget to feed your pet?'

'The frowsting bacchant kept his shelty vicinal.'

'I only collect ghost-written books.'

Chick stands in front of bookshelf marked 'chick lit'

"Well, my new boyfriend likes to read. He's a bookie."

Headstone which reads 'Spoiler Alert'.