Poignant Comedian Gifts

"What if my inner demons want to write about bunnies?"

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

'Just a word of advice ... He's a Saints' fan.'

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

Gunter Grass

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

Moses uses the burning bush to roast a kosher frank

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

Adam puts God on hold while texting.

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

Daffodil bulbs

"Let's play make-believe. I'll diagnose you with a life-threatening illness, then cure you with a wonder-drug that turns out to be a placebo."

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

'Cycle shop' selling puncture repair kits next door to a 'Sex shop' selling inflatable dolls

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

Inflation Is Up, Interest Rates Are Going Up. . . I'm Asking You To UP Your Donation.

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

'Who stuck corks on all the cursors?'

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

Applause

'How much are your upside-down cakes? 99p.'

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

Paunch and Judy.

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

You may have hired the best lawyer but I don't think that you can sue God because of a downgoing Dow Jones, sir.

"Well I got a dog because I wanted to spend more time brushing hair off my clothes, and picking up poop."

'We can't serve you the businessman's lunch because you don't look the business type.'