Pun-intended Humorist Gifts

'What's your poisson?' (Man reading report on Farmed Salmon Toxins Scare).

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

Do it yourself books.

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

"I see you also took the road less travelled!"

'You wanted a speedy trial, so I'm sentencing you to a swift kick.'

"Turn off cell phones violators will be over ruled."

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

"Extreme? Maybe. But I have the best behaved school in the district."

'I collect a different type of oil painting.'

'What do you mean I used to be cute?'

'I think my back is baroque!'

'I download music from a radio station in South Korea, and I got Seoul music.'

"You're a gifted writer, although at times you're just too precious."

'We now have a drug to cure 'writer's block' but a common side effect is plagiaism.'

Tinnitus.

Coulda Woulda Shoulda.

"Waiter! - will my pizza be long?"

"Oh, very funny. If you don't like my cooking just say so!"

Man in the stocks on his typewriter.

"You read the exit sign. The eye chart is behind you."

'Hold this til Tues and I'll pay you back, squid pro quo.'

"You may be more familiar with her maiden name, Kelly, Grace Kelly."

Before the wheel.

"Avast - it's Mobius Dick, the one-sided whale."

'Cheetah!'

'I didn't realize you were literally going to wear a little black number!'

"Late, as usual."

'Phht! This activist judge wont throw the book at him. He just tosses it underhand.'

SALT- The horror movie

BIRTH CONTROL CLINIC, 'It's for nuclear family non-proliferation.'

'Oh, I don't paint -- I'm a make-out artist!'

Snorting lines of the road on the way to rehab.

"It's called 'Unfinished Nude'."

'Do you think he'll win the second race?' - 'Yes, because he's running in the first race.'