Pun-addicted Humorist Pillows

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

"I keep feeling we should float the company"

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

Do it yourself books.

"I see you also took the road less travelled!"

'I see adventure in your future. Yes. You're going to be a culinary adventure.'

Carpool lane (a car driving into a long pool).

Kind- hearted, nature-loving Jeff built a new improved bird table.

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

The marketing is out there now. People all know the pizzas are prepared on the premises. So why no customers?

'And in conclusion...'

'I'm writing you a prescription for some people soup.'

Tunnel of Accountants: "You've been selected for a random audit."

"And another thing, it's real cool in the summer!"

'What's your poisson?' (Man reading report on Farmed Salmon Toxins Scare).

"Extreme? Maybe. But I have the best behaved school in the district."

'In the circumstances, I think we should skip the housewarming party.'

"I washed my kilt last night , now I can't do a fling with it!"

'I collect a different type of oil painting.'

'You give me goose bumps!'

The static electric eel is very rare.

"Waiter, there aren't any flies in my soup!"

"I said, ‘I hit on your sister!’"

Weather forecast

"Of course you're bored, sweetie. It's the fin de siècle."

"You're a gifted writer, although at times you're just too precious."

'It's for my teacher. Do you have one with love spelled right?'

'No, I said put the money in the Caymen Islands.'

"Remember I promised you some fun and games in the bedroom?"

A robber halds up a hair salon with a hairdryer pointed at the customers - 'Hand over all your hair restorer or I'll blow you away!'

Pavement artist.