Purveyor Of Puns Pillows

'What do you mean I used to be cute?'

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

"I guess the cat is broken because we have to get him fixed."

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

Do it yourself books.

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

"He refuses to use these now they've made them gender nonspecific."

'I see adventure in your future. Yes. You're going to be a culinary adventure.'

"Think about the honey."

Carpool lane (a car driving into a long pool).

The marketing is out there now. People all know the pizzas are prepared on the premises. So why no customers?

Kind- hearted, nature-loving Jeff built a new improved bird table.

Ghost Scare-apy Sessions

'And in conclusion...'

'I'm writing you a prescription for some people soup.'

Tunnel of Accountants: "You've been selected for a random audit."

"I didn't say I started jogging, I said blogging."

"And another thing, it's real cool in the summer!"

'In the circumstances, I think we should skip the housewarming party.'

"I washed my kilt last night , now I can't do a fling with it!"

'I collect a different type of oil painting.'

"I said, ‘I hit on your sister!’"

The static electric eel is very rare.

'I can't help you, it seems you really are npsycuts!'

"Waiter, there aren't any flies in my soup!"

'You give me goose bumps!'

Weather forecast

Spiv

"Of course you're bored, sweetie. It's the fin de siècle."

'It's for my teacher. Do you have one with love spelled right?'

'We now have a drug to cure 'writer's block' but a common side effect is plagiaism.'

Tinnitus.

'No, I said put the money in the Caymen Islands.'

"Remember I promised you some fun and games in the bedroom?"