Purveyor Of Puns Pillows

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

"I guess the cat is broken because we have to get him fixed."

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

Do it yourself books.

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

"Think about the honey."

'I see adventure in your future. Yes. You're going to be a culinary adventure.'

Carpool lane (a car driving into a long pool).

The marketing is out there now. People all know the pizzas are prepared on the premises. So why no customers?

Kind- hearted, nature-loving Jeff built a new improved bird table.

'And in conclusion...'

Tunnel of Accountants: "You've been selected for a random audit."

'I'm writing you a prescription for some people soup.'

"I didn't say I started jogging, I said blogging."

"And another thing, it's real cool in the summer!"

'In the circumstances, I think we should skip the housewarming party.'

"I washed my kilt last night , now I can't do a fling with it!"

'I collect a different type of oil painting.'

'You give me goose bumps!'

"Of course you're bored, sweetie. It's the fin de siècle."

'I can't help you, it seems you really are npsycuts!'

Weather forecast

Spiv

"Waiter, there aren't any flies in my soup!"

The static electric eel is very rare.

"I said, ‘I hit on your sister!’"

'We now have a drug to cure 'writer's block' but a common side effect is plagiaism.'

'It's for my teacher. Do you have one with love spelled right?'

Tinnitus.

'No, I said put the money in the Caymen Islands.'

"Remember I promised you some fun and games in the bedroom?"

A robber halds up a hair salon with a hairdryer pointed at the customers - 'Hand over all your hair restorer or I'll blow you away!'

"Oh, very funny. If you don't like my cooking just say so!"

'It's as I feared: you have got a novel in you.'