Master Of Puns Pillows

"Oh, very funny. If you don't like my cooking just say so!"

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

Do it yourself books.

"He refuses to use these now they've made them gender nonspecific."

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

'I see adventure in your future. Yes. You're going to be a culinary adventure.'

Carpool lane (a car driving into a long pool).

The marketing is out there now. People all know the pizzas are prepared on the premises. So why no customers?

Kind- hearted, nature-loving Jeff built a new improved bird table.

Ghost Scare-apy Sessions

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

'And in conclusion...'

'I'm writing you a prescription for some people soup.'

Tunnel of Accountants: "You've been selected for a random audit."

"And another thing, it's real cool in the summer!"

'In the circumstances, I think we should skip the housewarming party.'

"I washed my kilt last night , now I can't do a fling with it!"

'What do you mean I used to be cute?'

'I collect a different type of oil painting.'

'You give me goose bumps!'

The static electric eel is very rare.

"Of course you're bored, sweetie. It's the fin de siècle."

"Waiter, there aren't any flies in my soup!"

Spiv

'Yes, of course they're prints.'

Weather forecast

'I can't help you, it seems you really are npsycuts!'

"I said, ‘I hit on your sister!’"

'It's for my teacher. Do you have one with love spelled right?'

Tinnitus.

'No, I said put the money in the Caymen Islands.'

"Remember I promised you some fun and games in the bedroom?"

A robber halds up a hair salon with a hairdryer pointed at the customers - 'Hand over all your hair restorer or I'll blow you away!'

'It's as I feared: you have got a novel in you.'